10.31.2005

SCARY HALLOWEEN POST




AAAGH LOOK AT THIS EEETS SO REEEEEEEAL YAAAAARGHHH!!! What a scary asshole that guy is, what with his disposable camera of doom, hanging out in front of the library and all!

WWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

10.27.2005

An easy $20

I won $20 last night off the one of the stupidest bets ever.
Usually I don’t bet unless it’s a lock and this one was.
My buddy and I were at the pub drinking beer and eating wings.
I told him our waitress was a provincial fitness competitor and he didn’t believe me.
Why is that so stupid? Because she took first place and made it onto my sports pages.
I’m still not sure why he wouldn’t believe. She did change the colour of her hair and we had quite a few beers.
Maybe he just wanted an excuse to talk to her, but it would have made him look like an idiot.
Oh well, it’s $20 in my pocket.

The White Sox are the world champs. Whoopie.

Brian Adams is coming to Saskatoon. The radio played a big concert announcment for a entire week and it turns out to be Brian Adams. What a let down.
I haven’t been this disappointed since Joel told me Superman isn’t real. I was one sad day for me.

10.25.2005

Never enough time

What would the world be like if a time keeping device was never invented?
If there were no sun dials, hour glasses or digital watches, the Earth would be a nice laid back planet to live on.

I've now recovered from the birthday party. Fun times.

10.24.2005

A Man Is Judged Only By the Cut of His Pants

Okay, I tried to post this damn thing yesterday, but Blogger didn't agree with me, so I guess I'll have to make do with being a day late. May Dane forgive me!



Hey there, Mr. Dane Lutz, happy freakin' birthday! He's 26! And depending on whether or not some old lady died, he might still be hung over. So don't scream at him, you might cause his buttocks to deflate or somethin'. That happens, right? I mean, yell at somebody and they get a flat ass? Hmmm, I do believe this needs some testing. Anyways, since I didn't come down to visit (because I'm a smelly asshole) I'll have to throw a dance party on the blog for the guy.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

ROCK ON!

10.21.2005

Time for the world to change

I got a haircut on Wednesday. I’m happy with it. I look about as good as I possibly can.
I go to the same old lady since I moved to this town. She’s nice and I don’t have to create any small talk.
Each time I go in there she asks if I want my eyebrows trimmed.
What’s wrong with a unibrow? When did the world become so anti-unibrow?
I say the world should unite and get rid of the belief that one eyebrow can’t be incredibly sexy.
Come on, for me.

Sloppy joes rock. It’s so easy to make and tastes so good. I want another one right now.

Why won't Superman put a top to all these Hurricanes?

10.20.2005

Once again I find myself being shit on

My rant about work. It's finally here. Yes it's long.

Once a year the newspaper puts out a “progress” edition. It’s the advertising supplement I mentioned in the previous post.
What is it? It’s a story that is written about a business. It’s not news. It’s an ad. These stories wouldn’t make it into the regular paper.
The ad people have been selling these spots in the progress edition. A full page is $800. A special section which is a sixth of the page is $180.
Once the spot is sold, a sheet with the name of the company and a contact number.
Now it’s the editorial department’s problem. We have to set up the interviews, take the pictures and write the story.
Unlike a normal story, we have to send it back to the company to have the copy approved.
We make any changes that are wanted and let the purchaser of the ad pick the pictures they want.
Once everything is all done we put it into a folder and it heads up to the graphic designers for page layout.
They take the pictures and text and turn it into a presentable adtorial.
The nearly finished product goes back to the sales department for the thumbs up or down.
The really neat thing is this is above and beyond what we normally do. It takes time and effort.
Why do we do it? Because it makes the paper a lot of money. This year, it was a 28 page supplement. It works out to at least $25,000 of revenue.
The last two weeks were crazy. The newsroom was hectic. Everyone was stressed and we could all use a vacation.
The editorial staff wanted to go out for lunch at a restaurant and put it on the company’s tab. I’m guessing it’d run max $150. Six of us at $25 a piece.
I myself probably spent at least 20 hours in the last week working on the thing. I’d estimate a 60-hour work week.
I’m on salary so I’ll never see that money.
The lunch is a no go. Instead, we’ll ordering $20 worth of pizza and a couple two liters of pop.
Why does this really tick me off? The sales people, who sold the ad and approved the final draft, were given a commission.
It makes sense. A little extra money for incentive. They take home 20 per cent of the cost of the ad. That’s $160 for a full page.
What did I get for writing the copy for the full page? Nothing, not even a nice lunch.


It’s nice to walk along the street in front of the News-Optimist.
Parked outside is a 2003 Camry, a 1994 Sentra, a 2004 Escapade, a 1995 Ford Ranger, a 1989 Mercury Topaz and a two-year-old Subaru among others.
Which ones do you think are driven by the newsroom?

The company, Glacier Enterprises which is buying papers like mad, has a president’s club incentive for Saskatchewan.
Three individuals are rewarded for their hard work over the past year.
Two of those three awards go to the top sales people in the province and the rest of the staff is left with one award. Nominations are being collected.
The sales people don’t need more prizes. They already get commission. They’re rewarding the guy who already makes the most money.
Why not give some incentive to people that aren’t already given cash rewards for working hard?

The hours. I have to complain about the hours. The sales people get to work at 8 a.m. they are already working when I stroll in around 9:30 or 10.
They take their lunch at 12. They leave the office at 5. I get lunch whenever I have a free moment. I go home when the job is done and I cover the evening games when necessary.
I work the weekends when something is going on. They have two full days off.

Our general manager used to be the sales manager, so she is biased towards the sales department.
She sees the news copy as space filler in between the ads. She could care less what goes on the front page as long as her co-op ad is in the top right hand corner.
She even compared our paper to the regional. Saying more people in the Battlefords believe the regional is the actual newspaper.
What is the regional? It’s the free newspaper full of ads and flyers. It contains no actual news. The text is all government press releases and other crap we don’t run in the real paper.

I know. There are a lot of jobs I could do if I was just into a 9-5 job that paid.
I like my job. I wouldn’t mind having the revenue distributed a little more evenly.
Go communism!

10.19.2005

Original packaging

Finally, after a month of waiting I saw The 40-year-old Virgin.
North Battleford only gets three movies a week, so it takes a little time for certain movies to get here.
It was worth the wait. I had the highest expectations for the movie and it was good.
The best part was his toy collection. I spent the entire time looking at the walls of his house trying to see what collectibles he owned.
There would be no way I’d sell those action figures off. I almost started crying just thinking about it.
The poor guy.

I havne’t been blogging much. I’ve been swamped at work. We’re putting together a special advertisment supplement where for a fee the editorial staff will write a story about the business. It’s not fun. Let me just say that I had two 1 a.m. work parties with my computer last week.

My upcoming birthday party all depends on whether or not a 94-year-old lady dies and the funeral is on Sunday. She was doing good today, but could turn at any moment.
What’s going on? A BBQ, beer, video games, football and Jack.
My designated driver is already lined up. I’m ready to go.

I watched the Saturday night live's best of David Spade on Saturday night. Damn is he funny.

10.18.2005

Professional Development

If you tell somebody that you're going to go hang out at the library for fun, they usually stare at you like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

10.12.2005

Today's a special day

What makes today so special you ask? Nothing for me, but it's Joel's birthday. The happy 26-year-old is probably prancing around campus trying to get kisses from all the girls. He's probably at the pub abusing his free birthday drink privileges. He might even be fighting off evil ninjas that came to kill him on his 26th birthday like was prophesized in the ancient scroll.

Have a good day Joel! Kick those ninjas asses.

10.11.2005

The Futile Quest for Amusement While an Instructor Goes Over Windows XP File Management for the Zillionth Time

Pi, Pi, that's our sign!
3.14159!

I think Pi really fine!
3.14159!

GOOOOOOOOO PI!!!

10.10.2005

Help me

After last weekend when I woke up early with a hangover and had a bagel for breakfast, I thought I was a sissy for eating a bagel.
A bagel seems like something a wuss would eat. I grew up with toast, the breakfast of tough guys who didn’t have the time to fry up some bacon and grill up some eggs.
Now I’m hooked on bagels and cream cheese. Even worse, I bought some flavored cream cheese. Pansy strawberry flavored. Is it ever good.
Every morning, I pop my bagel into the toaster and run out the door. I drive to work taking bites only when I know no one else is looking. I haven’t quite admitted to my addiction with the breakfast delight.
I’m starting to wonder what kind of affect this will have on my masculinity.
I was at the bar on Friday and ordered a beer like usual: a cool kokanee.
It didn’t taste the same. It was as refreshing as usual. I was wanting some sort of juice drink. I was craving a vodka cooler.
I didn’t get one. I was with people. They didn’t need to know that I was transforming into a weakling, an even bigger nancy than I already was.
I’m scared to head to a strip club. I’ll probably wonder what kind of material her costume is made out of instead of whether her boobs are real.I’ll ask her where she got her shoes instead of tossing loonies at her nipples.
Before you know it I'll be watching the View and wishing I could get pregnant. I'll hope for the confidence and good looks of Tyra Banks. I'm starting to get dizzy. I might faint. Deep breath.
I still think there’s hope though. I’m going to go home and watch Rambo I, II and III. Hopefully the blood and gore, the guns and muscles will set me back on the right path.

10.06.2005

Our parents are on drugs

I was listening to the radio. North Battleford has a great radio station. Ask Joel, he’ll give you the low-down.
The news comes on every hour on the hour and a story popped on that caught my attention.
Two parents are suing a drug dealer for their daughter’s overdose.
This is up there with winning money for spilling hot coffee on yourself.
They’re saying they are doing this because the justice system isn’t punishing the narcotics distributor harshly enough for selling the drugs.
Who’s fault is it for purchasing and taking the illegal substances? Why can’t people take responsibility for their own actions?
I wonder if these parents are still thinking their daughter is the sweet and innocent and couldn’t do anything wrong.
I feel bad they lost their child, but this is ridiculous. Maybe if the parents would have been there a little more, this wouldn’t have happened.

10.05.2005

About damn time

I’ve been waiting for 17 months for today. I’ve been counting down the days for the past two weeks. I’m not sure if today is better than Christmas, but it comes damn close.
The NHL is back in action tonight, and I’m going to sit back with a bunch of beer and enjoy my favourite sport in all its glory.
Game one starts at 6 p.m. and will be a gruelling match between Ottawa and Toronto. Let’s go Sens.
Vancouver is the featured Canadian team in game two. Yeah Canucks!

Astronomers at the WM Keck Observatory have identified a moon orbiting Xena, a body they argue is the 10th planet in our solar system. They have called the moon Gabrielle, after Xena's sidekick in the TV series Xena: Warrior Princess.
What kind of losers do we have naming the planets? It’s unbelievable.

Good news for me. My car is paid for. Three hundred dollars a month is now free. The first thing I did was fill the cupboards with food. All kinds. Pretty much everything I would want is in my fridge. I even picked up a honey dew. I haven’t done that for ages. Fresh fruit. Good stuff.

Well that’s it for today. It’s time to go watch hockey.

The Hockey Song  (Smith, James, Good and Phillips) ©1992

Performed & written by Jughead.

So there I was, over in Paris
Eating wine and drinking cheese
And this guy comes up to me and he says
“ Where are you from?”
Well, I says “Yeah, I’m from Canada”
And he says “Zoot Allure, mon Dieu, you are from Canada? Do you play hockey?”
And I says “Do I play hockey?

Chorus
Well, I play Air hockey, Ball hockey, Barn Hockey, Bubble Hockey, Field hockey,
Floor hockey, Ice hockey, Kitchen hockey, Road hockey,Roller hockey, Table hockey, Twist hockey
And I play hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,hockey all the time!
Take shots!

So there I was way out in California
And this guy comes up to me and he says
“ Where are you from dude?”
Well, I says “Yeah, I’m from Canada”
And he says "Wow! Where are you from dude?”
And I says "Look I'm from Canada"
And he says “Wow. If you’re from Canada? Do you like, play hockey?”
And I says “Do I play hockey?

Chorus

So there I was way down under in Australia
And this guy comes up to me and he says
“ Where are you from?”
Well, I says “Yeah, I’m from Canada”
And he says “Do right, honey child. If you’re from Canada? Do you play hockey?”
And I says “Do I play hockey?

Chorus

He shoots! He scores!

10.02.2005

The day after

I don't know why I do it. I get drunk and then I make plans for the next day. I know I'm just going to want to lie in bed recover from a hang over. It just never seems to occur to me when I have a drink in my hand.

Yesterday was good. Drank case of beer, a bunch of rye and capped the night off with some scotch. I watched football. I played video game hockey. I shot pool. It was a great day off. It's exactly what I needed after a busy work week.

What kind of plans did I make this time while downing drink after drink. I thought it would be a good idea to help my buddy clean a hall for a birthday party. I'm nice. I'll help out when I can. This isn't hard. It's only an hour out of my day, but it was the hour from 8:30 to 9:30 in the morning. My head was hurting and my stomach was queezy. Oh well, I got a ride to where I left my car the night before. Once in my car I was off for some breakfast with a friend.

I was at the Country Cuisine at 10. I still wasn't hungry and everything on the menu wasn't sounding good. I ended up with a bagel and a bowl of fruit. We chit chatted for a while. I wasn't a very good conversationalist. I really wanted to get home for a nap. I was going on four hours of drunk sleep which doesn't amount for much.

Instead of heading to a nice warm bed and watching some football, I told another friend I'd come over and just hang out, which ended up being a couple beers and bitching about stuff, mainly work.

Finally after the afternoon was coming to a close, I got a chance to go home and grab a nap. I slept for another two hours before I was off to the arena for a hockey game. We won 5-4 and the North Stars are now 8-0 on the season. Go Stars!

Next time I go drinking, which is Wednesday. I'm not going to make so many damn plans the next day. I'm going to tell everyone that Thursday is for sleeping in and relaxing.

What's Wednesday? NHL is back, and the boys at work are having a big party. There's going to be beer, big screen and some grub. Good times. Good times.

Falling Through Your Clothes

Okey dokey, I know that more than a few of you are spazzing out right now over our spankin' (mweh heh) new masthead image, so I'm goin' to talk you through it. The reason that's up there is because I ran a Google image search for 'dane and joel' and that's what I ended up with. Here, see for yourself! So rest assured, dear readers, I wasn't trying to offend your sensibilities, no matter where they may fall on the spectrum. Dear fellows on the right, rest assured I was not trying to force you to confront your rampant homophobia! Dear folk on the left, it was not my intention to cheapen homosexuality all for the sake of a cheap laugh! What about the tagline, you ask? Well!

... ummm...

A wizard did it. Yup.

10.01.2005

Saturday morning

It’s beer drinking time. Yep, 11 in the morning and I’m off to grab some food from Subway and a case from the liquor store. Normally I'd be lying in bed watching cartoons until noon, but work got me out of bed early so it's time to drink.
For the rest of the day, I’m going to play NHL 2K6, watch college football, watch Canadian football and then I’m off to play some pool and drink scotch.
Don’t worry I’m not doing this all by myself. I’m not the creepy alcoholic guy sitting in a crusty pair of underwear in a dark living room in front of a 13-inch television. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Today starting now is my day off. I had to run to a girls volleyball tournament, a girls soccer tournament and a dart tournament this morning. The rest of the day is mine. All mine.


Totally different topic, my left ear is plugged and I can’t hear very well. It’s totally pissing me off. I don’t know why it’s like this. All I know is that it sucks.

Don’t you hate when you’re watching muchmusic: they actually play a good song and you try and remember the name of the band but don’t. That happened to me last night. Shucks.

When I have a little more time, I’m going to rant about how advertising is interfering with news and how money is stealing away the integrity of reporters. Just a warning so people who don’t want to read a rant don’t have to.