Look Joel

Look, I reset my password. I can log on again.

Wow, it's been a long time. Where to start? I guess I could do a really long update and give every minute detail from the past year. I don't think so though. I'll sum it up very quickly.

Forgot password to blog.
Left kitchen job for accounting job.
Went back to school. Again.
Moved in with Kerrie.
Turned 29.
Partied with Joel at Ducky's the kereoke bar.
Bought condo with Kerrie
Got gym membership to recapture my 27-year-old figure.
Got engaged.
Spent seven months talking about and planning a wedding.
Bachelor party. Wild Turkey, Wild Turkey, Wild Turkey
Wedding outdoors beside some really big mountains
Maui. Fun - lots and lots of it.
Bought season three of Three's Company. Now have one and three. Where's two? I don't know.
Super exciting accelerated accounting course. Numbers and spreadsheets = good times.
Big 30 happened.
Snow storm. Trapped indoors watching WallE with Kerrie. They rhyme.

That's about it.


Say You Want a Revolution

Hi there! We're deep into the lazy days of summer, and I'm sure you're feeling refreshed and utterly content with life. So content, in fact, that on a cellular level I'm sure your mitochondria are kickin' back and having a brewski with some ribosomes. Well, as usual, I'm here to shit all over that like a retarded doberman with diarrhea.

One of the many statistical reports the U.S. government puts out is the Science & Engineering Indicators Report. This is basically of collection of data concerning the state of science in the United States; you know, enrollment numbers of post-secondary science programs, amount of funding allocated to R&D programs, that whole grey-and-deeply-boring ball of wax. Boring, that is, until you read the section concerning public attitudes towards science.

Now, I am painfully aware that some people's drama radars are pinging wildly at the moment, because they feel I'm going to shove them down some Creationism v. Evolution Slip-N'-Slide and that usually only ends up with a huge muddy patch on the lawn and grass stains on our knees as we slide about on plastic molded talking points that we've heard ten thousand times before and I torture this sad f***ing Slip-N'-Slide metaphor within an inch of its f***ing life. Well, rest assured that although that whole debate does factor into the survey I'm going to mention, I'm going to treat it how I usually treat it, which is like a hot woman with a flamethrower. No matter how interested you are in touching it, it's just never a good idea.

Anyways, a bunch of surveys were taken worldwide asking people the answers to some science literacy questions. The exciting and sexy answers were then captured in an absolutely fabulous bar chart, which I'm linking to you here. Go ahead, open it in a new tab, we might be referring to it a couple of times. Now, for the first rush of being completely f***ing bummed, consider that the longer the bar the better the responses, then consider the just utterly terrifying expanses of white space in some of those chart groupings.

Well, we can temper those feelings of despair right quickly if we look at some of these questions. We'll quickly brush past the big bang and evolution ones, if only to note the U.S. responses in relation to their relatively high marks on other questions, which I find pretty interesting... but the hot woman just sparked the pilot light on her flamethrower, so let's move on, shall we? Getting the laser question wrong I can forgive. In fact, if the question had been "Are lasers made out of sound or out of light?" I'm pretty sure the number of correct responses would increase dramatically. Most of the remaining questions I'm sort of indifferent to. I mean, I would definitely like to see a global society where everyone answered these questions right, but at the same time, an otherwise intelligent person can safely lead a happy and productive life without knowing where an electron falls on the quantum scale.

Unfortunately, there are some troubling responses as well. First off is the question dealing with whether or not antibiotics have any effect on a virus. The one and only correct response is NO! Antibiotics have absolutely no effect on a virus. They might piss off a virus, perhaps, as all these weird things keep crashing into it while it wages war with your white blood cells, but antibiotics certainly won't kill it. The reason I find this troubling? Here's why. The fact that close to half of the United States (with even more dismal results overseas) would take an antibiotic to treat their head cold if they could is distressing.

But ultimately, the thing that disturbs me the most, and what ultimately inspired me to write this post in the first place, is the response to the question of whether the Earth goes around the Sun or vice versa. Hey, no brainer, right? 70% of Americans answered this question correctly, so that's okay, right? Actually, no, that's pretty f***in' far from okay. You know why? Because there are still 30% of people who think the Sun orbits us. And the European Union, which is popularly held up as the last enclave of rational thought in the world, scored even worse!

You know why this is distressing? Because this isn't some boring scientific term quickly forgotten after the semester is over. This isn't the internal workings of some scientific "black box" that the average dumbass on the street isn't going to understand. It's practically Science itself.

First off, the Copernican model of the earth orbiting the sun is pounded into our heads relentlessly the moment we can grasp the concept of outer space. We are constantly reminded of it in school, our friends and family will touch on it from time to time, and even the goddamned Smurfs brought it up. It is common fundamental knowledge on the level of "there are clouds in the sky!" or "Don't screw your family members!"

The reason why? So much of what we understand about the world is a result of the Copernican model. For example, without it, gravity as a scientific concept goes out the window. No gravity, then there goes a fair chunk of physics. The adoption of the Copernican model was so vital to the Scientific Revolution of the late Renaissance that I can't fathom where we'd be without it.

As a result, to not understand or to go so far as to reject that model is a level of thick-headed pig ignorance so massive that it actually needs to be achieved through dedication and hard work. That fact that so many people worldwide are willing to pursue it is just depressing.


Gracias Por La Música

So against my better judgment I went with my mother to go see Mamma Mia! yesterday. I say my better judgment because although I do enjoy musicals it's kind of weird for a bachelor like me to go see a movie centered around ABBA songs with his mother. That does send out a certain kind of vibe, you know. But ho, I soldiered forth, and remember, there but for the grace of God go you.

And dear lord, was the theatre ever busy last night. I realize there had been some rain earlier in the afternoon, but goodness, people! You don't need to run inside and watch Step Brothers at the first sign of miserable weather! Really! It's like how on last Tuesday, because there was a bit of rain during the day, there was absolutely nobody on the bike trail that evening. However, on Thursday, when there was no rain all day but the temperature was an entire two degrees above Tuesday, you couldn't help but trip over the tiny dogs all over the damn place. Plus, there were two shirtless dudes riding a tandem bicycle chasing geese and calling each other "bro", and if you think a confirmed bachelor taking his mother to see an ABBA musical is pretty gay, just consider that. Anyways, because of this mad rush at the movie theatre it took about fifteen minutes to travel ten feet in the concession line and eventually I gave up to return later during the Chiquitita musical number. The aftermath of the concession combat looked horrible. It was like the Vietnam of concession stands. The shivering clerks were standing ankle deep in spilled popcorn with Coke syrup splattered all over their shirts. I sense that some intense cases of post-traumatic stress disorder are developing.

So what did I think? Well, first, I have to give some minor spoiler warnings. I'm not going to reveal the main twist of who the girl's father is, but pretty much everything else is fair game. And really now, if you're going to this movie because you think the story is going to be compelling, then honestly, go f*** yourself.

First of all, I'd like to point out that Amanda Seyfried, the girl who plays the main character Sophie, has huge snoobs. The filmmakers also made no attempt to hide that fact. So hooray for that!

Also, I'd like to point out that the main conceit of her inviting three strange men to her wedding on the off chance of one of them being her father is kind of off-putting. I mean, they do mention it a few times in the plot that it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But in the end, the men are kind of non-chalant about the whole thing. I tell you what, if I get invited to some island and discover that my ex-girlfriend owns the place, a bunch of her other ex-boyfriends are there as well, then we find out the whole thing is a ruse to find out to see who the girl’s father is, and to top it all off, everybody's singing Spice Girls songs all the time? I’m burning that resort down and I’m getting the hell out of there.

Anyways, as for the movie, the first fifteen minutes or so are on a level of dogshit so foul that it could only come sphincter-fresh from Cerberus after a Taco Bell bender. Most of the characters leave terrible first impressions, and the opening musical numbers just aren’t that good. Some of the movie was filmed on location, while the rest was filmed on a soundstage, but the filmmakers make absolutely no attempt to blend the two and the result is pretty jarring. Thankfully, the level of good to bad starts to even out so it's only bad about half the time, and around the halfway point the film's goofy charm finally starts to overcome the various shortcomings.

Meryl Streep's dancing during the first Mamma Mia sequence was pretty bizarre. It's was sort of like a choreographed seizure with some hot flashes thrown in for good measure. Still, not as weird as a bunch of dudes trying to do a dance routine while wearing flippers, which happens later.

During the Dancing Queen segment the entire female population of the island goes dancing down to the docks, leaving a great deal of men flummoxed and hanging off the side of buildings. Not only is this analogous to what the whole Mamma Mia experience is actually like, it also enables some dude with a piano on his boat to add the signature piano flourishes to the end of the song. I just had to wonder about that guy and his history. Did he find an old piano for sale thirty years ago and hear it speaking to him? “Buy me, put me on your boat, and you won’t regret it!” And so he did, and thus thirty years later he was able to improve the whole Dancing Queen experience for a bunch of “happy and carefree” women. I suppose he must look back on the whole thing and on some level feel a touch disappointed. That’s what you get for letting a musical instrument tell you what to do. Remember, not all destinies are great.

Meryl Streep’s version of The Winner Takes It All is supposed to be the show-stopping number, but if you're not into being swept away by schmaltz a lot of entertainment can be gleaned by imagining the Pierce Brosnan character thinking, "Christ! When is this crazy b**** going to stop singing?" I doubt Pierce Brosnan intended that interpretation of his performance but damn if it isn't easy considering he spends the entire piece standing straight as a board and glancing from side to side like he's going to steal her necklace and he's checking to see if anybody's watching.

Also, at the end of the song Meryl Streep is so overcome by emotion she has to dash up the stairs to her daughter’s wedding, with Pierce Brosnan quickly following. What makes it great is that when she reaches the top she leans out of a window and looks down to see a shouting Pierce Brosnan standing on a rocky outcropping. I’m sorry, I burst out laughing at this part. So, about two-thirds of the way up Pierce decided he’d jump out onto a craggy rock with dangerous footing just to shout dramatically instead of bothering to go up another flight of stairs? I mean, she has your attention already, she is singing some damn pop song about you, after all. I don’t think some weird flair for the dramatic is going to get you any more points.

Of course, that's nothing compared to the preview for Nights in Rodanthe, based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks and yet another one of those baby-boomer romances that comes down the pipe every now and then. Richard Gere is an overworked surgeon who discovers the joy of life through a romance with an overworked North Carolina inn owner. What really took the cake were the shots of horses running down a beach that were worked into the closing montage. That kind of cheese don't come natural. That's some moldy Velveeta right there.

So that was the Mamma Mia! experience for me. I imagine yours might be quite different from mine, but then, I was always a special child. Arrivederci.


The Filmgoing Joel

Movies I have watched lately...

The Dark Knight: Excellent movie! Probably the best I've seen all summer. What can I say that hasn't been said so far? Just that the movie is almost unforgivingly bleak and that you won't be leaving the theatre with a smile on your face, nosiree. Unless you're subjecting people to your bad Joker impersonation and yelling "WHY SO SERIOUS" at your soon-to-be-ex friends. And let's not forget Aaron Eckhart's turn as Harvey Dent, people! That was superlative as well, but it's been kind of buried underneath the mountain of deserved praise Heath Ledger has been receiving.

Hellboy II: Good movie. Addressed one of the issues I had with the first Hellboy movie, being that even though Hellboy is supposed to be this ultimate badass, he sure turns out to be a lousy fighter. Glad to see Abe Sapien with more personality. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane voiced Johann Krauss and contrary to my expectations I loved the performance. The design of the movie was spectacular, and the movie had enough goofy charm to make it a good sorbet to cleanse the palate of the unrelenting bleakness of The Dark Knight. Go see it, won't you?


Hard Candy: I think they will show this movie to my friend Ben if he ever happens to go to hell. Why? Well, this is essentially a two-character piece, with one of the characters being a pedophile, and the other character being Ellen Page. It's a predator-prey situation with the players switching roles. Instead of Ellen Page on the run from some creepy pedophile, the pedophile gets tortured by Ellen Page. Now, you might be thinking, "Right on! They won't let me cut off the balls of child molesters in real life, but at least I get to watch it happen in a movie!" Well, be careful for what you wish for. Neither character is very likeable, and if neither of them have your sympathies, then who cares? There's some decent psychological thrilling going on, but the second you start thinking things over after the end of the movie the more sour the taste in your mouth will be.

The Baxter: A romantic comedy about the guy who usually gets left by the girl at the end of an average romantic comedy. A fertile source of comic inspiration, but the end result is a bit muddled. The movie could either have been a romantic comedy told from a different perspective or a satire about romantic comedy tropes, but the movie tries to weld them together and the result is merely okay.

Sunshine: I really liked this movie. There were some absolutely gorgeous scenes but unfortunately there also had to be some utterly lame-ass ones as well with the movie shoehorning in the whole "maniac who is driven insane by the enormity of space is running around and ruining people's shit" thing at the end, which at this point in science fiction is INCREDIBLY tired. This was obstensibly a hard science science fiction movie as well, which means that the things that take place are supposed to be somewhat plausible and acheivable by small extrapolations of our scientific acheivements to date. Unfortunately, a little research reveals that there's a lot of horseshit mixed in to the movie's science stew and that tempered my enthusiasm somewhat. Still, regardless of accuracy, the final scene was beautiful.


DJ Crazy McLazy of WLZY in the Hizzouse

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station, what do you buy?

... you know, I've sat and pondered this question for the past two minutes. This is not a good sign for the rest of the quiz. Pass.

2.If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you be:

A manatee, because I'm rotund, pretty amiable, and I don't have the common sense to get out of the way of outboard motors.

3. Who's your favorite red head???

Who can choose?

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?

A pogo stick, because I have to live up to the franchise name

5. Last book you read?

Dharma Punx, about a hardcore punk guy who used to be really addicted to drugs and into crime who turned his life around with Buddhism. Neato!

6. What is important in a relationship?

Tolerance, nowadays, because we're all special individuals who demand that others fit into our lives all nice and perfect and that we're not expected to change anything about ourselves in return.

7. Describe the last time you were injured?

Therapy has treated that time, and I no longer wish to revisit it.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?

Well, it all depends. Will we turn into psychic ghosts and make cursed videotapes and get to crawl out of the well together and then out of television screens and make people's hearts explode with a concentrated dose of the suffering we endured at the bottom of the well? In that case... *picks name blindly out of list* ... Ben.

9. Rock concert or symphony?

Which concert? Which symphony? Probably the concert. Although really, concerts have become a lot more staid nowadays so I don't know if it would make a difference. I went to see the New Pornographers last October and everybody just stood and stared at the stage.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?

A grainy picture of some skyscraper windows. Came with the phone.

11. Soda?

Do the wheels on the bus go round and round??? Damn straight!

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?

A greeny dress shirt/uniform shirt with "Tuokko" embroidered above the right pocket.

13. If you could only use one form of transportation, which?

Pogo stick, or Moon Shoes if Pogo Stick is disqualified because of being mentioned earlier.

14. Most recent movie you've watched in the theater?

Thurston Hearts the Who. At the new theatre in Red Deer. 21 bucks! 21 bucks for two tickets to see a movie in its seventh week. But oh, the sound and picture were pretty. So I guess it gets a pass. But for god's sake, get more people at the concession stands.

15.Name an actor/actress who you think is hot:

Helena Bonham Carter

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?

Black Forest Cake FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!






17. What did you have for dinner last night?

The Cheapskate Burger at Montana's Steakhouse

18. Look to your left, what do you see?

Forms, manuals, bottles, DVD sets I listen to at work, Super Mario Mushroom Candy Tins

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?


20. Favorite toy as a child?

One of the longest lasting toys I had was a KITT from Knight Rider, that I eventually ended up lobbing off of a hill. Because it was time for KITT to lose. Actually, all of the good guys ended up getting their butts kicked in all my playtimes.

21. Do you buy your own groceries?

No, my manservant does

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

Y'know, there's really nothing to talk about. They might go, "Wow, Joel's kind of a weirdo!" but that's like the sky wondering if the people are calling it blue behind its back.

23. When's the last time you had sour gummy worms?

Sure thing

24. What's your favorite fruit?:

Banana. Although technically it isn't a fruit, or so I hear. Anyways, it has the least fuss out of any "fruit".

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?


26. How do you feel about long distance relationships?

I feel asleep

27. Have you ever eaten snow?


28. What color are your bedsheets?

Tan with blue designs

29. What's your favorite flower?

Robin Hood Best for Bread Whole Wheat ... that joke works a lot better said out loud.

30. Were you or are you in ballet?


31. Do you listen to classical music?


32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?:



33. Do you watch Spongebob?

Yes, Spongebob is the Looney Tunes of the millennium. Haters better recognize.

34. Last food you ate?

How odd, a banana

35. Do people consider you smart?

People think I'm either brilliant or an incompetent boob depending on... nothing really. I don't even have to do anything.

36. What time is it?

12:43, and I still have lunch to eat! This quiz is too freakin' long.

37. Is your away message on?


38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?

In 1st grade

39. What curse word do you use the most?


40. Do you own an iPod?

Yes, due to be replaced because of failing battery.

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?

7:55 A.M.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?

Flight of the Conchords Distant Future EP. Can't find new album because CD stores in Central Alberta are f**tarded and I keep forgetting to pick up an iTunes card.

43. What movie do you know every line to?

Wayne's World.

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?

Cashmere scarves

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?

Temporary tattoos

46. How old will you be on your next birthday?


47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?

No, I think at the last moment the person will shove me away then kick me in the balls

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

Yesterday, I thought I was constipated but it turned out no

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?

Simple to pronounce, terrible to spell

50. How much money do you have in your pocket/wallet?




In Repose

Hi! Joel here, broadcasting live over the airwaves of Radio Free Joel. And I mean Radio Free Joel as a takeoff of the popular R.E.M. song Radio Free Europe, not Radio Free Joel in the sense of a plucky radio station devoted to saving Joel from tyranny and oppression in a big grassroots campaign run by lots of starry-eyed college students where they play kick-ass protest songs written by famous bands, and then there's this huge benefit concert where all the cool indie acts say stuff like "The message is Joel!" or hold moments of silence in my honour... damn, that all sounds really cool. Can we make this happen? Is there anyone who wants to arrest for me a controversial and deeply political crime? Let's do lunch!

So yeah, in an earth-shattering change of pace, I'm writing this post in my notebook at home instead of furiously pounding a post out during my lunch break. This affords me a more leisurely pace. Like, I could get up and have a sandwich and play an hour's worth of Rock Band at any time if I felt like it. And the best part is that unless I explicitly tell you that I've taken a break, there's no way you can tell! You still experience the uninterrupted flow of searing wit and clever wordplay you're used to on a daily basis. The only problem is that my artistic vision might get brutally edited by that sadistic jerk I like to call Lunchtime Joel. Yeah, you've all read that guy's posts, and you've seen what they're like! Where's the passion, man? He used to have ideals! Damn, what a tool.

So I spent the evening tidying up the place. You know, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the garbage, and organizing the bedroom. (I also did a bunch of push-ups, but that's neither here nor there.) When I first came to this basement in October of last year, I hated the place but vowed to tough it out until my contract at the library ran out. It's kind of amazing how much my attitude has changed. I was glancing about my room after it was all tidy and I was amazed at how homey it felt. It's almost like I've got roots here now. Not enough to base an award-winning miniseries on, but roots nonetheless. I guess it's a good thing too, seeing as I've just gained permanent status at the library. Ah, what can can compare to the loving embrace and soft carress of job security? Although I have to admit, it does get a bit clingy at times... no, Job Security! Put down the knife! I honestly wasn't talking to any other women! NOOOOOO!


Remembering Jason Segel's Wang

I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall on Tuesday, and I really enjoyed it, despite suffering from one of the gigantic drawbacks from stadium seating: one’s ears are usually directly in front of some nimrod’s desperate pawing-about inside of a popcorn or candy bag.

Some general thoughts:

I liked it better than Knocked Up, but that’s mainly because I find the women in Knocked Up terrifying. There was a bit of a dust-up after the movie came out where Katherine Heigl commented on how although the movie was really fun to make, the women in the finished product came across as demented shrews. As wary as I was of that comment when I first heard it, after watching the movie I honestly don’t disagree. I know I’ve been out of the game for a while, but is that what a modern-day relationship is really like? If so, I’m off to standing around the airport dressed in robes and handing out religious literature.

I loved the CSI riffs in this movie. I don’t mention this very often but I utterly despise CSI and all of its forensic bastard children, so I very much appreciate watching those smug jackasses getting lampooned. You know what I find most boggling about CSI’s popularity? People will tune in week after week to watch gross, disgusting, perverted crap, but if you show those same people a scene from Sweeney Todd they’ll complain about all the killing and violence. (Or complain about the fact that there’s singing, but that’s another rant entirely.) Really? You don’t like the violence? Oh sorry, maybe it would be better if Sweeney sodomized the corpses before Mrs. Lovett made the pies. Yeah. That’d make it an average episode of CSI, then.

After the movie was over and I was leaving the theatre, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror before I managed to “prepare” myself like I usually do. You know how it is. If you know you’re going to pass by a mirror, you’ll stand up straighter, open your eyes wider, smile… to put it bluntly, you sex yourself up. It will all happen automatically, too, almost subconsciously. All so when you see yourself you’ll think, “Yeah! Lookin’ good!” And of course you’ll go back to your normal demeanor as soon as you’re away from the reflective surface. So yeah, I saw myself before doing all those subconscious preparations and damn if it wasn’t frightening! I mean, I looked so dour! Do I always look like that? I looked like I just witnessed a horrific quadruple chainsaw murder after finding out my girlfriend just cheated on me with my mother. How do I stop doing that? Is there a special cream you can rub on your cheeks? How about an exercise regimen?

Oh and P.S. you can totally see the main character’s wang in some scenes. Seriously, who was framing the shots in this movie? They did such a lousy job there. I figured I would point this out because nobody’s mentioned this once anywhere else.



This is an actual private e-mail exchange between me and my accountant friend Dane. Make sure you tell no one of the delicious secrets contained within, for neither of us wish to have the upsetting of the delicate balance between the world superpowers caused by our foolish hands. Thank you, and please stay seated afterwards for punch and pie.

From: Joel Nielsen [mailto:atriot44@heatedmale.com]
Sent: Thursday, April 17, 2008 3:19 PM
To: Dane Lutz
Subject: Affirmative

You should watch Flight of the Conchords, I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Because it's business time. That's a reference from the show, but you haven't seen it so I guess you wouldn't get it. Still, it's pretty funny if you had seen the show. So just pretend that you did and then maybe we'll all get something out of this. Come on, work with me here.

So if we're going to go see the Flaming Lips, should we make up a Bad Days sign to wave about? (P.S. Bad Days is a song by the Flaming Lips from the Batman Forever soundtrack. It was also Dane's favorite song circa 1995)All it would take is a marker and some neon poster boards. And I bet they've never seen that at one of their concerts. They're all like, "That song? That was from Batman Forever. Nobody likes that song except Batman fans." Then you would flip out because you're actually a Superman fan. I guess it wouldn't be cool then. I'd have to engage you in mortal combat -- again -- so the medics could shoot you with horse tranquilizer. It would be a pretty memorable concert though. I think they could even mention it on a DVD interview some time.

When I was going out to my vehicle at lunch today, there was a group of teenagers from the nearby school parked in one of the spaces hanging out. At first I was kind of pissed, all like, "Who do these kids think they are? What a bunch of jerks!" Then I realized that they were hanging out in a library office's parking lot. That's not very cool. Who knows, I guess the parking spaces in front of the accountant's office were all full. That's where all the magic happens. And the 3-card monte. Damn shyster accountants, always fooling me out of a buck.

Cataloguing books about talking to babies,


Subject: RE: Affirmative
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:23:08 -0600
From: dlutz@studaccountant.com
To: atriot44@heatedmale.com

You are wrong!!! I saw the Business Time video. I am an informed individual. Other than that though, I haven’t seen anything else by them. I guess I’ll have to boycott them since they are so funny and it wasn’t I that discovered them. I’ll have to put on my stubborn cap and cape and be the only guy out of the loop.

I’d do anything to get mentioned in a DVD interview. Maybe, it’d be captured on film and placed on Youtube. We’d be famous. They’d make a reality show about us called Librarian and Accountant. Of course, we’d have to get real life actors to play us. David Spade for me and David Cross for you. If Spade turned the role down, I’d be okay with David Foley. I don’t know any other daves, so Cross has to accept the role of Joel. The lead singer from Foo Fighters isn’t a very good actor.

I’m surprised you didn’t sit down with the teenagers and told them some “back in the day stories.” Or were you too busy getting the broom out of the trunk of your car and chasing them all away?

Back in my day we didn’t hang out in parking lots. We were too busy studying our EGMs, trading fatalities and sharing secrets about FF3. Damn were we cool and we still are.




So my car got stuck in the middle of the massive snow drift that formed in my driveway last night. A massive snow drift that formed in the MIDDLE OF F***ING APRIL!!! What in the flying f**k is going on? F**ing asshole f**ing sh**-faced wind! Do you know there are places on this earth where winds are refreshing summer breezes that cool you on a hot day? Did you know that? I wouldn't know that. The only thing I've ever known of wind is that it's a vicious soul-sucking b***h. It's an oppressor! That's right, the wind is The Man, and all it's doing is trying to keep me and my brothas down. Well that s*** don't pop, homey! I got da mind to pop a cap in its windy ass, know what I'm sayin'? I'm going Boston Tea Party all up in here! That's right, me and my crew are rolling up on the Wind's boat and dumping it's wacky-ass tea all into the ocean. You wanna tax me? All you're taxing is my patience, you stupid-ass British colonial wind! God! That's right! S*** is on! Half nelson, fool! Y'all facing my half-nelson! Never been beaten! You better be IN IT TO WIN IT, 'cause I'ma BRING IT ON, yo!

Regular posting will resume tomorrow after the writer goes home and has a good cry.


April Flurries Bring May... Curries

First off, I would like to deliver an FU (or Foo) to this godawful weather. I should not have to deal with these ridiculous snow drifts at the end of April. I would like to make a withdrawal from these snow banks and deposit them in a nice slush fund somewhere. Or margarita fund, as the case may be. And I already retired my poor, beleagured toque! Can't I cut the stupid thing a break and not constantly force it to warm my scaly scalp?

Man, that snow bank joke was pretty terrible, wasn't it? I'm not going to delete it though. Might as well deal with my personal failures head on.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that winter is like some perverted, drunken uncle. When he comes for his yearly visit, you're almost sort of happy to see him at first. It's like, hey! I remember this fun, colorful guy! Good times! But wouldn't you know it, soon he's back to walking around the house in an open housecoat with nothing on underneath, vomiting on your friends, and taking shits in the oven. And just when you think you got rid of the guy, it turns out that his flight got cancelled and he's staying for another week!

Who else votes that they change it from Old Man Winter to Perverted Drunken Uncle Winter?

On a happier note, I'd like to announce another birthday! Yes, today is the birthday of the crotchety woman I sublet my house in Rocky Mountain House to. She's pretty cool but she can be real bossy at times. Yeah, she's always like, "Pay your bills!" or "Get married and have some kids so I can be a grand... person you sublet to!". Always getting on my case like that. What a nosy broad.