Don't Ask.

SCENE:
Chuvalo's Pub
Hardisty, Alberta

...

Hey Mac, even though you're such a scintillatin' conversationalist, if ya don't order something else, I'm gonna throw you out.

Fine. I'll have another one, then.

Another Shirley Temple? Whoa buddy, don't go too crazy!

Hah. You're funny. Could you turn up that TV please?

If you can read this you have really good vision! You should go get a job as an eagle! You heard me, a fucking eagle!

Um, could you turn up that TV, please?!

The question on everybody's mind at this point is: Where's Joel? Following the hostage incident three days ago, he hasn't been seen since. Dane, leader of the Danehead cul... religious organization issued a fatwa on Joel in an attempt to flush him out of hiding. We'll be back with more after the break.

Tonight! An event of staggering proportions! The world premiere of Desperate Passions: The Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour Story! Starring John Stamos and Clay Aiken!

What do you think you're doing?! Get out of here and leave me alone!

Not until you admit you love this blog!

I said LEAVE!

Dammit, Joel, you may not love this blog, but it's gonna love you!

*SMACK*

Ah huh huh huh... ahuh huh huh...

What a joke. Dane got the backhand there.

You say somethin', Mac?

Uh... nevermind.

Aw crap, here comes those Danehead freaks.

Salutations, barkeep! We were out spreading the Word of the one Most High, and I must say we've worked up quite a thirst. We spotted your little den of iniquity and decided we'd stop in for some refreshments. A glass of water for myself and a tall glass of milk for my friend Crunk, if you please.

CRUNK!

Uh... comin' right up. (The hell am I runnin' here, a juice bar?)

Say, isn't comin' in here against your rules, or somethin'?

Ha ha! Goodness, no! In fact, our doctrine actively encourages it! We can't announce it in the ads for, you know, political reasons, but every night at every chapter is a drunken orgy.

Really!

Oh yes. I take it you'd be interested in hearing more?

Damn straight! Here's your drinks; on the house, a' course.

CRUNK!

Right. Well, the Leader, he looked around and saw the world for what it is; full of greed, destruction, and treachery. This is not how the world should be! So he has engineered the downfall of humanity, assuring that our pitiful race will be wiped out, with exception made to his loyal followers. The Prophecy of Light explains that on the day the Wailing Beasts bring forth our doom, The Great Dane will appear from the skies on a Golden Dung Beetle. He will lead us to paradise, where --

Yeah, yeah; that's great and all, but get back to the booze and sex!

Hrrrm! Urhem... *cough* I do believe I'll take over from here, guy. Would you be interested in attending a free seminar tonight to learn more?

*sniff* This is the happiest day of my life! You don't know how long I've been searching for a religion that lets me screw and drink till I'm blind!

Whoa, put on the brakes, Suzie-Q. Trust me, you don't want to get mixed up with these guys.

Who...

Dares?

Think about it. Are you really willing to trade in your personal autonomy and everything you own just to drink and have sex as much as you want?

That's a stupid question.

Okay, bad argument. Well, h --

You! Do not talk about Danehead!

Hey, just a m --

YOU! Do not talk about Danehead!!!

Fine, whatever. Do what you like. I'm going to the tinkle-tinkle-ha-ha room... whoa!

*CRASH*

Whoa, buddy! Watch yourself!

Damn man, I told you to go easy on the grenadine...

Uh, sir; you've lost your hat. Sir? Great Dane in Yeven, it's you!!!

What, do I have something on my face?

*FLUSH*

Fuck! That was a mighty shit! Phew, I wouldn't goooooooooh crap.

Crunk! It's him!

Him I espy in the center of my eye! You, bartender; if you help us destroy him, your entrance into our upper castes is guaranteed!

Boo yeah! Say hello to my little friend!

I have a shotgun!

*BOOM BOOM BOOM*

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

*BOOM BOOM BOOM*

You missed! That's the last fuck-up, Hyperthyroidal. I'm gonna sell you to that old man on the corner of town with the red cat.

Son of a smurfin' smurf!

Daneslam it, he made it to the exit! Let's go, Elinor!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! Okay, okay; think Joel! What can I do... I know! I'll summon a fearsome beast to protect me! Dark forces; hearken unto me and send a loathsome protector to annihilate my foes!

Hellloooooooooo!!!

Oh, shit. Well, uh, sic 'em, girl!

Okey dokey! Hey, you big meanies!

Hello there! Would you like to hear about our fine organization?

TEN SECONDS LATER

RIP HIS BALLS OFF!!!

MEANWHILE...

I just don't think --

Look, I can stand here and debate all day with you on the merits of giving me money for a sandwich, but it should be clear that you'll look even more foolish if this keeps going. So I advise you to just --

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! Waaaaa haaa haaa!

Well, at least he's updating.

Sigh. I'm so lonely...

Hey you! If you be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal! I can call you B --

*CRACK*

Asshole.

Was it something I said?!

There he is! Get him!

Whoa there. Now I don't know if you've heard, but we don't take kindly to lynchin' 'round these parts. So maybe it'd be best if --

Free booze and sex!

Annie, get your gun.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

Well, let's recap, shall we? The groups that are currently out for my blood include religious zealots following orders from my ex-friend Dane, the entire population of a small Albertan town, the Care Bears, and the Shriner's Circus. Now, if I can make it to that train that's about to leave, I'm home free. Wait, what the hell!!! How did you guys get in front of me?

You shouldn't have wasted that time on exposition.

But why didn't you just gak me instead of blocking me off?

I'd suggest you use your last moments on this earth to think of pleasant things instead of puzzling over the Creator's Will.

Tear him a new asshole!

Dude, hearing a cute character swear like a sailor was only mildly funny the first time.

Hey, fuck you.

Are you ready, Joel?

Almost. Just let me have one final cigarette!

*COLLECTIVE GASP*

That's right! You take one step towards me and you'll be exposing yourself to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Now I suggest you part like the Red Sea of Assholes that you are and let me through!

Ha! You can't smoke that cigarette forever, Joel. We can wait.

Oh, but Desperate Housewives is on in fifteen minutes!

Grrrgh! Okay, you win this round, Joel; but you can't hide forever.

Yeah? Just watch me. So long, suckers! Ah ha ha ha ha!!!

[laughter fades off into the distance]

So, does this mean the drunken orgy is called off?

Ha! And they said cigarettes can only kill. Well I proved them wrong! Ha ha ha haACK HARGH HURGGH KAFF KAFF KAFF BLARGH urgh ha *cough*

TO BE CONTINUED!