320 Dead, 155 of them children

Like every other day in Rocky Mountain House, I'm lounging around in my Dung Beetle Guy costume watching television. I'm checking out the CBC news. The news always shows the crap going on in the world and it pisses me off.

Where the fuck are all the superheroes in the world?

Anyway, I was sitting in my leather sofa, drinking a thirst-quenching lemonade, when the broadcaster said something that caught my attention.

"More than 320 bodies have been recovered from a school in Beslan, in southern Russia, after a three-day hostage-taking, officials said Saturday. Among the dead were 155 children."

Lemonade bursts out of my nose. The spray reaches the television, which rests two metres (six feet) away from the couch. The fructose burns my nostrils, but not as much as the death of 320 people burns my soul.

"On Friday, Russian special forces troops stormed the building where an armed group of men and women held more than 1,000 people hostage in the province of North Ossetia," says the newscaster.

Why didn't Putin ask for the assistance of an extra-ordinary man, like myself? Someone who puts their life on the line on a daily basis to ensure people remain alive and happy. I would have gladly left Rocky in Joel's, The Blog, hands for a week to crush the evil hostage taking.

I'd like all world leaders to check out my record in Rocky. For further reference, call Lou Soppit. He's the mayor. He'll babble on and on about my good deeds and heroism.

My Record
Dung Beetle Guy - 4 bad guys stopped
Terrorists - 0 hostage takings, 0 suicide bombings, 0 black widows, 0 planes flying into buildings.

Yes, I'm doing my job, and I'm doing it well. I'm doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

Well, I'd like to apologize to all the mourning families. It didn't have to be that way, and it shouldn't have went down that way. You should of had me there, pounding justice into the evil doers faces with an iron fist.

Next time, the bad guys won't be fortunate to receive a quick painless death from a gun. They'll have to deal with me.

Love Dung Beetle Guy

If I was a girl, I'd be crying.