Missing: one DVD player and 25 DVDs

I came home after a hard day of making appearances as Dane Lutz, my alter ego.

I had just spent the past three hours taking pictures of the North Stars. It was time to lay my head on my pillow, close my little peepers and rest up for a hard Sunday of crime fighting.

My key slides into the lock. I twist. The apartment door opens.

I trudge up the stairs. The three flights made my knees ache.

I started to feel a little weird. Something was amiss. A tingle raced up the back of my neck and tiny little bumps appeared on my skin.

I got to my door, number 304. I slid the third key on my key chain into the door and turned.

It opened too easy. The door was unlocked. Strange, I thought I locked the door when I left around 5:30 p.m.

I was flooded with fluorescent light from the kitchen. Unusual, I thought I turned off the lights before I left at 5:30 p.m.

I felt a really cold breeze coming from the dining room window. It was wide open. Odd, It’s the middle of winter. I’m pretty sure the window was shut before I left at 5:30 p.m.

I walk into the living room and take a glance around. Queer, my DVD player’s gone along with all my DVDs. I know I had a DVD player before I left at 5:30 p.m.

I fall to my knees, raise my hands into the air and yell: DANG NAAABITTT.

Salt water erupts from my tear ducts leaving a trail of moisture on my cheeks.

I’d been robbed. I fall forward, roll my fingers into fists and pound them on the floor.

“Why. Why did they have to take my Best of the Wonder Years DVD? It was a collectable,” I sob into the carpet.

I crawl onto my side and into the fetal position. I start sucking on my thumb. The salty taste on my fifth finger makes me wonder if I washed my hands after my last piss?

Hmmmm. I guess I’ll never know.

A message to the burglers: Dung Beetle Guy is coming to get ya. He’s coming to get ya. So get yourself up and jump around. Jump Around. Jump. Jump.

The jumping makes it easier for me to find out who it is.

Thanks.