Dung Beetle Guy Returns

It's one of those days. You know the type. It's hot, sunny and everyone is in a pleasant mood. It's the kind of days bored superheroes loathe. I'd much rather be pounding justice into the face of some evildoer, but there's no villains out today.

I'm in my Dane Lutz, journalist, costume. I'm wearing a pair of tan Dickie pants, a white golf shirt and a Fedora on my head. By my side is my trusty camera bag, which actually contains my Dung Beetle disguise.

I'm on patrol. I head up one side of main street and down the other. If someone notices my odd behavior, I tell them I'm sniffing out stories. But really, I'm protecting the decent people of Rocky Mountain House.

I've been wandering the streets for three hours, when finally a hear a huge crash. It's actually whatever sound two cars make when they collide.

I look up the street and to my delight two cars had collided. I don't have super-hearing, but I get my ears flushed on a regular basis so my hearing is extra good.

I run into the alley behind the CIBC to change into my DUNG BEETLE GUY outfit. I rip open my camera bag and pull out my suit. I slip off my shirt and start to remove my pants.

"Ahhhhhhhh!!!! What the hell are you doing?" A 22-year-old female had just caught me in the middle of my transformation. My pants are down around my ankles and I'm only wearing my lucky blue boxer-briefs. I turn beat red.

I pretend to be intoxicated. "Come here baby, and give papa's belly a tickle." I don't want her finding out my secret identity. If I had more time, I'd try and charm the foxy brown-haired girl. She reminds me of the hot checkout girl at IGA, but I hadn't seen her there lately. If Spiderman can get a hot girl, why the fuck can't I?

She quickly scuffles away. I continue changing. I cover my head with a mask. My ensemble is complete. I run to the scene of the accident only to find the two drivers getting back into their vehicles. I guess they had already exchanged insurance information.

I raise my left up, up into the air and shout: "Another job well done by Dung Beetle Guy!"

A slurpee hits the back of my head.

"What the fuck did you do?" asked a curious bystander.

My jaw drops to the ground. I'm stunned. "What did I do? What did I do? You ungrateful little twerp. I ought to...." I push him up against the wall, and show him my teeth. I let loose a little growl. He's scared. I wonder if he's pissing his pants.

Anyway, I put him down and return to the alley.

"Who the hell would steal my clothes?" I hell. What a crappy day, I think to myself. I walk back to my secret hideout and eat a Kit Kat.

Make the most of your break. Have a Kit Kat.