The Joel Went Down to Georgia

Ohhkaaay! We're back. We've been here, giving updates for allllmost a week now! Nothing new, no developments, but we're still here! Haven't changed my underwear in three days, but here I am! Spoutin' the same crap over and over again. Ooh guess what? Still no sign of Joel! Dane's refusing to speak to the press! It's so damn exciting I think I'm gonna sh... what's that? Oh yeah, here's that Easton twit. She's at that concert thingy. Sheena, I CHOOSE YOU! *BONK*

Thank you, Nate! I'm here at the concert grounds, and already the faithful are streaming in, waiting anxiously for it to begin. With me is an attendee who asked only to be identified as Wiggly Hollandaise. So, Mr. Hollandaise, I'm sure you're familiar with all the talk about how this concert will bring about the destruction of mankind. Why did you choose to come despite this?

Because, man; THE MAN doesn't want us listening to Celine Dion! THE MAN doesn't want us listening to Mariah Carey! Y'see, it's all part of a conspiracy, man! They used 2000 Flushes to introduce chemicals into the water supply, and that makes it easier for their satellites to control our thoughts!

So you're a fan of the artists performing?

Oh, no way, man! Phil Collins can bite my left nut! But THE MAN said I shouldn't be here, so here I am! Damn THE MAN! Hey, wait a second... no way, man! You're that Glory Estevan chick! Sweet! Hey, everbody! Glory Estevan is gonna play here!

What? Hey, shut up, I'm not Glory... I mean Gloria Estefan!

So are you gonna sing that Congo song, man? C'mon, everbody shake it in the Congo! Monkeys in the Congo getting strongo, playing a bongo!

[clenches teeth] Dammit, shut up!

Hey, wait a second, I don't know you well enough for... EEEEEYOWWWW!!! MY NIPPLES!


OOOOOOOOOOH!

Okay okay! I'll shut up!

Goddamn hippies!

Ceeeripes! Get outta the way, you assholes! *hack koff hack*

Urrrrgh!!! Another one! That's it, switch back to... hold the phone. That's Ross! C'mon Gunther, hurry up! Ross! ROSS! Sheena Easton, NCC News! Would you be willing to answer a few questions?

Aw, hell. Why not? Damn dealer's late anyway... *kaff*

Now, you used to post on Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour. What is your take on the situation so far?

Situation? What situation? What the hell are you talking about?

You mean you haven't heard ANYTHING about what's going on?

Heh, no way. I haven't heard much of anything lately. I've been shootin', drinkin' and smokin' whatever I can, ever since I got booted off the blog six months ago.

You mean you didn't know that this is going to be a benefit concert for troubles brought about your ex-partners?

Aw, what? Damn it, now even Mariah Carey's been tainted by those assholes. Why can't they stop ruining my shit?

Excuse me, I'd just like to ask you to watch the language. We ARE live and not running on a tape delay here.

Fuck you!

All right, then! Now, you said that you were "booted off the blog", when in your last appearance you're shown leaving of your own free will. Would you mind explaining the discrepancy?

Don't tell me you bought that crap! Fucking bullshit! Those assholes made me say that. If I didn't, they threatened to sue. Hey, you wanna hear the whole truth? What they DON'T want you to hear? I was actually brought in to permanently replace Joel. Things are going good, and you know what? That fucker changes his mind! So we have to endure four months of goddamn cat posts while he writes a story to that effect. Meanwhile, I get tossed out into the fucking cold.

So things at Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour were not as super fun and happy as they appeared?

Are you kidding me? *kaff koff hurk* The minute I come in, Dane wouldn't say a damn thing to me. He locked himself in his office with hookers constantly. Goddamn guy's a sex maniac, I tell you. Then Joel comes back, those two won't frickin' speak, Joel's off in the corner shootin' junk; oh, and there's the hazing! I still got goddamned electrical burns on my testicles from those punks! Hey, wanna see?

No no! I take your word for it! This is really compelling, Ross. But if conditions there were so awful, why were so heartbroken when you were forced to leave?

Well, I... I just... well. It seems.... Oh my God. Oh my God! I just had a breakthrough!!! Oh man, this is so great! I don't need to drown my sorrows anymore. Oh thank you, thank you!

Whoa there, slugger! Oooph! Okay, hugging... So there you have it! An emotional breakthrough for one of the people affected most by Dane and Joel's actions. You heard it here first, on NCC News! Back to you, Nate! [pause] Okay, back the fuck off, dickhead! Christ, you clingy little bastard...

This is so great! I'm back on track! Crisp and clean with no caffeine!

Yeah, and I'm on my way to a Pulitzer. Hey, thanks for the interview! And, you know, for doing it for free.

Hey, no probl... wait. Free? You mean I could have been paid for this? Aw, hell... [downs half a bottle of rum]

BACK AT NCC NEWS

And that's the story of when my pee was burning and I had to go to the doctor! What? Talk about Ross? Yeah, that was pretty sweet.

[drums fingers on desk]

What? Whattya want from me? Oh, this is stupid. Hijack CBC's feed again, I'm gonna go take a dump.

Okay!!! Okay!!! There's news breaking! Whoa, that's so weird, news breaking; what does it break? Oh man, I need a nap... I mean, breaking news!!! Dane is poised to give a conference? On what? Who the hell cares? It's DANE! Yay! *BONK BONK BONK* Okay, can I go home now?!

Hi, this is Lawrence Gowan, filling in for just about everyone at CBC because they're a bunch of quittin' pussies! We've been camped outside Danehead's official headquarters for the past few days, and it finally looks like he's coming out to speak to the press! Can I get a whoop-whoop?

WHOOP WHOOP

Er... thank you, Peter Jennings! Ooh, here he comes!

Greetings, lifemates! The Golden Dung Beetles have advised me to meet with you, for I know that many of you have yet to taste the golden spray of Danehead! Do you deny the glory that awaits? Can you possibly ignore the paradise I have offered? Do not decry the Almighty Fiery Lord of Chaos! The Ultimo Warrior commands you! The Omega Omega ca... oh God, this is so stu --

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

JOEL?! What the hell? You've got lots of... YEEEOWWW! *PAF* OOH! *BAM* YARRR! *BONG* Hey, those are my seein' eyes!

I'm gonna KILL you, you son of a... hey, no fair pulling hair, ya sissy! AAARGHARGH

Crunk, you know what to do.


*SQUIRT SQUIRT*

REEEEOOOOWWR!!!! *hiss*

I can't believe you wanted to kill me, you asshole!

What the hell are you talking about? Are you riding the pixie again?

The FATWA, Dane! That's what I'm talking about! Now why don't you --

Enough. He doesn't have to answer any of your questions, Fallen One.

Wait a minute. Fatwa? What the hell is th --

Don't concern yourself with his ramblings, Lord Chaos. Come, let's leave.

Hey, where do you think you're going! Account for yourself, dammit! Grrrr... that's it! I challenge you to a televised debate! You and me, on the air live! We'll see who the Fallen One is then!

Last Son of Motown, don't listen to --

What, are you chicken? Huh? You damn sissy?

I urge you to ign --

I accept your challenge! Bring it, bitch! Let's get outta here, guys.

*crowd murmuring*

Joel! Joel! Steve uh... Smithman, Hobo News Network! What are your current plans?

I'm going to Motel 6!

And there you --

*FZZT*

*footsteps*

Hey, did I miss anything?

TO BE CONTINUED