Wrap your computer in plastic and stick it in the closet. This might be worth something someday.

As I promised/threatened before, I was going to write an installment in the adventures of Drunk Man and Bug Guy or whatever the hell their names are. And here it is! Now you may go about your business now that the Master of Brilliant Awesomeness has blessed you. Of course, after you're done with him, you could always read this. Issue 0, hitting blogstands now!

But before I start, I'd just... screw it, I'll save it for another post. Enjoy!





It was a dark, or a stormy, or perhaps a dark and stormy night. Lightning crashed, which pissed off the thunder, because apparently only thunder is supposed to crash. They bitched at each other for a while then whisped away to the atmosphere, leaving behind a stench of ozone. The suicidal rain drops fell to the earth and burst apart on impact, leaving behind streams of watery gore. Newsprint blackness was smeared over the landscape and was everywhere. Except in one area, where it was washed away by two thin streams of light.

A small black car slid sharply around the corner of the gravel road. It began to drift and soon found itself hurtling into a tree. It crashed, as expected. Three rather large branches came down with a thud on the hood. And then, all was quiet. All was still. For a few moments anyway, for loud screaming came from inside the car. Soon after, the passenger side door opened.

"...Ing ASSHOLE!!! FUCK! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!" yelled Joel as he stepped outside. The driver side door opened, then Dane stepped outside as well.
"Calm down, Joel. This car cost us thirty bucks. Those new red pens you bought cost more than that. And look! We're in the driveway of my house!"
"CALM DOWN?! I'LL CALM DOWN AFTER I'VE URINATED ON YOUR CORPSE, YOU FUCKING WACKADOO!"

Dane calmly took a cigarette out of his pocket and shoved it in Joel's mouth. Before Joel could react, Dane grabbed his lighter and lit it. Joel immediately inhaled half the cigarette, then crumpled into a heap on the road. Dane shook his head, grabbed Joel's arms, and dragged him towards the house.

After ten minutes of arduous pulling, Dane zipped up his pants and went into the living room to see if Joel was still alive after he had threw him on the couch twenty minutes earlier. He went back into the kitchen after he saw Joel muttering about "all the pretty puppies". Damn, Dane thought to himself, all this pulling has worn me out. I'm used to pushing things! Before he could curl up on the table and go to sleep, he was confronted by his girlfriend, Famira!

"So, I'm still not good enough for your little adventures, am I?" she sneered. Dane lept to his feet, opened a cupboard, and hid behind it's door.
"It's just that you don't have any powers, sweetie!" stammered Dane.
"What, like you guys? WOW, the ability to get drunk. That's a showstopper. And being able to push things?"
"Dammit, Famira; I have a gift! I push well! And with a bit of power, comes a little responsibility!" shouted Dane as he stood up and raised his fist to the ceiling. Famira shook her head.
"Dane, I have a secret to tell you. You didn't get bitten by a radioactive dung beetle. You got bitten by a radioactive spider. But besides making you sterile, it didn't do anything for you."
"But... but what about Anthony? I pushed him into in a little ball!"
"Oh, him. Well, it turns out he was just a big sissy."
"And why the big story about the dung beetle?"
"Because, dear, if I told you you were bitten by a radioactive spider you would've tried jumping from buildings and stuff. This at least kept you safe on the ground."
"But I have no powers!"
"Do you need powers to be a hero?"
"Hmmm... I guess not... wait a minute, what the fuck am I saying?! Of course you need powers to be a hero! Does Superman save a busful of screaming passengers from going off a cliff by talking nice to the bus?"
"Sigh... you don't get it."
"No! You know what I don't I get? How you appeared out of nowhere! You're supposed to be at work right now! And you don't even sound like you usually do! You don't talk like that! What the hell is going on?"

Famira suddenly began to flicker. She was an image, projected from some unknown source.

"HA HA HA! That's right! I'm not Famira! And this is the end of the line for you!"

To Be Continued!!!