Bray Bray Bray

Ah yes. Another lovely evening working at Rolf's Groceries. Man, what an awesome body I have! So ripped, so muscular. Every movement I make brings sighs of elation from the female customers. What a goddamned stud. But all of a sudden I hear someone call my name. Sigh, I guess perfection does have to bothered from time to time by a snivelling insect.

"Joel! Heeeee! I'm right here!"
"Dane? Is that you? Stop standing sideways."

After I commanded him in my powerful masculine voice, the culprit appeared. It was Dane, and he was standing in front of the counter. He had turned to the side, rendering his skinny self imperceptible to the naked eye.

"Heh heee! Guesh what, Joel? I working in town for the shummer!"
"Wonderful, Dane. Just wonderful. Now do you mind standing to the side so I can serve some customers?"
"Ooopsh! Shorrry... I'm sho shilly."

A beautiful woman came up to the counter and gave me a sexy smile. Dane noticed this, bugged out his eyes and made a fish face, then whipped down his pants.

"Hey baby, letsh hang out and shee what popsh up, eh? Heh Hee Heee!"

The woman socked him in the mouth, which sent him flying into the chocolate bar rack. He crashed into the floor sobbing. The woman was so disgusted by the whole thing she ran out of the store, almost ready to vomit.

"Geez, Dane! Couldn't you have picked another day to go commando?" I sighed.

I noticed three inch-long hairs growing from his bloodied chin.

"Wow. Nice goatee," I said derisively.
"*sniff* Thanksh, it took me three yearsh to grow it!"
"That's great, Dane. Now do you mind getting out of here?"
"Are you shtill addicted to shugar?"
"Uh, Dane? Really now. That was you. It does take a stunning lack of brainpower to get that mixed up."
"Hey, do you wanna shee my firsht article for the paper?"
"Fine. Why not? It's not like I've got anything better to do now that you've scared away the clientele."

With that he pulled a cocktail napkin out of his armpit. I had to hold my nose from the putrid stench. It read:

kat!!! .. look At kitteeee katt, ! i luv Kat. kat skratch Meee! bad kat!! uh oh? kat Ded.

"Well, I'll look forward to reading it in this week's Mountaineer."
"No! Hee heee! *snort* Thish is the cover shtory for tomorrowsh Calgary Shun!"
"That makes sense. Well, Dane, you better leave before the cops come."
"Ooh! Letsh hang out shometime!"
"Uh... sure. Yeah, here's my number."
"Wheee! Thanksh shee ya!"

Dane waddled out into the parking lot. I could open my eyes fully again, now that his noxious presence had stopped stinging them.