All Good Things...

*yawn*

Yo, Ross! What's up?

Heh, not much. Just waiting for Joel to get here with the new script. Aren't these 6 A.M. readthroughs a bitch?

Definitely. Haven't had to do one of these things for two months now! Anyway, I'm gonna go check out craft service, check ya later.

Lates. Hey Steve!

Excuse me, I believe I made it quite clear that I wished not to make eye contact with anyone on set, much less speak with them. Now fuck off, and perhaps go fellate a donkey while you're at it.

Prima donna... whoa, what happened to you, Dane?

Oh, m-me? You're t-talking to me! Wellsir, I'vebeen inrehab pastmonth letmeoutforthis... yeah!

Rehab? What the fuck, Dane; you've been doing drugs?

...drugs...? DRUGGGGGS!!! Where the fuck are they?

[Dane grabs Ross and holds knife to his throat]

You've been holding out on me, yousonofabitch! I know, the GNOMES told me.

Holy shit!

DRUH-HUH-HUH-HUGS!

[Dane drops to his knees sobbing and repeatedly headbutts Ross in the groin]

DRUH-HUH-HUH-HUGS!

[Two beefy men grab Dane, inject him with something, then toss the syringe to the side]

Excuse me, sir. Please refrain from agitating Mr. Dane, for everyone's safety.

Fuck! What the hell was he doing? Cocaine? Heroin?

Pixie Stix. I've seen them lead many young men on a road to ruin. Now, if you'll excuse me...

[Ross grabs the empty syringe and looks at it]

Extra Strength Horse Tranquilizer... expires 10/23/63... hey, there's a few CCs left! I'll be saving you for later.

Excuse me, everyone! If you could please take your seats while I hand out the scripts, we can get down to business. I've got some bad news, Jeff Probst won't be joining us today, as he's currently occupied with a coucil meeting for the World Association of Nefarious Gods. Don't panic, we have a temporary replacement lined up. Let's give a warm welcome to Mr. Donald Trump!

You're fired!

[silence]

You've... been let go?

[crickets chirp]

Ah heh heh heh... alright, let's start. Take the lead, Mr. Narrator!

Your excitement before will pale compared to your excitement ten minutes from now! For you are about to witness an event so exciting, the rest of your life will seem shallow and dull. What am I talking about? It's the stunning, thrilling, orgasmic conclusion to Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour!!! IN CRISIS! Get three spare pairs of underwear ready, 'cause this shit will blast apart your colon!

TEN MINUTES LATER

I feel pretty, oh so pretty
So pretty and witty and GAAAAAAY...

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

Ross, I am your father.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TWO HOURS LATER

Man, all of the times we've had together, all of the laughs? I mean, I've practically known you all my life. I can't believe it's taken me this long to say it... but I want you to know, just in case we don't make it... I love you.

I love you too!

SIX HOURS LATER

There are times in everyone's life where they will face hardship. Adversity stares them in the eyes, gives a twisted sneer, then kicks them square in the balls. So I always say, be prepared! Wear your Iron Cup of Lawful Good, then give a swift kick right back! Now, you see that horde of bloodthirsty demons? I want all of us to charge in there and fight! For glory! For FREEDOM! ARRRRRRRGH!!!

Holy shit, Steve just charged into the middle of that army all by himself! And... he's dead.

Nothing glorious or free about getting your crotch chomped off by a zombie, I tells ya.

TWO DAYS LATER

It was a brilliant and epic struggle, but I've finally cemented my co-ownership of this blog. My birthright would not be denied. Now come! Let us drink to the memories of our fallen comrades! Perhaps one day we will find a cure for the massive case of mutated syphilis that Ross is enduring, but for now, let's eat, drink and be merry!

Okay, so it's finished! What did y'all think?

[dead silence]

YOUMOTHERFUCKINSONOFABITCHI'LLCUTYOU!

Shit! Dane, here's a pixie stik!

Rooby rooby roo!

And there goes Dane, rocketing through the bloody roof. Goddamn it, there goes the damage deposit for this place. [pause] You know, Scooby Doo usually floats down right about now. So, can I get the opinion of someone who isn't a slobbering addict?

Fuck you. You piece of shit.

I utterly despise you. I can't believe I left a "political discussion" with four lingerie-clad librarians from Finland for this!

YOU'RE fired!

Piss off, Trump. Man, you kept us going for awhile, Joel. Always promising us something great for the finish. And look what that got us! You know, fuck you and this stupid blog. Sure, it was something neat for the first week or so, but stretched it and beat it so much I don't wanna even touch my computer anymore because it's tainted with your tired schtick. Thanks for the shitty memories, I guess. C'mon guys, let's go party at my place. Free Brazilian waxes for everyone!

Nah, that's not good enough!

We demand blood!

Rip his balls off!

I get his shoes!

MR. TAMBOURINE MAAAAAAAAAAN!

Oh, shit!

Will Joel manage to escape from this imminent beating? Tune in next t... hold on, there seems to be several guns pointed at me by the readership of Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour. They're demanding a swift resolution. Today. Or else. Well, then! We continue!

IOU one scene of unimaginable violence.
Signed, Joel

*kaff kaff* Ugh, where am I? A dumpster? Arrrrgh... let's just see. Stretch, wiggle my big toe, find my ear...

There it is! Good as new! But, now what?

AAAAAAAAAAGH!

*CRASH*

Ugh, Dane just landed on me... that smarts.

Good morrow, blogging brethren! Ah, I've found your ear precariously planted in my rectum. There you are, good as new!

... you're not trying to stab me. What happened to you?

I'm glad you asked, chum. You see, whilst soaring through the air, I had something akin to a religious experience. I found Jesus; I crashed into his living room. Luckily, Jesus is the sporting type, so after ascertaining as to why as I slobbering all over floor, he injected me with some aspartame. I feel like myself again! The only side effect is that I have a tendency to do a poor impression of a dandy fop.

Man, that Jesus is quite a guy!

Quite so, sir; quite so. While I was plummeting back to earth, I perchanced to ponder your precarious situation. Sir, we started as compatriots. There's really no other way to end it, is there? So, let's just remove Ross and bring things back to the beginning. Oh, I do hope the poor lad isn't heartbroken!

Well, he's off ripping out pubic hair, so I doubt he'll care. But this is great! Wow, returning to the blog in a somewhat normal capacity! Heh heh, just wait'll you see who I've got lined up to guest blog next...

Sir, I'd suggest you leave that whim behind for your own sake.

Okay, okay. Let's roll, Dane!

Chim Chim Cheeree!

And so our young heroes frolicked gaily off into the sunset. The Crisis was over. Which means I'm out of a job! Hey, does anyone out there need some narration done? My oral skills are excellent! I mean oratory! Oratory! Oh, this isn't a good start.

Dude, just shut up and give the people what they want.

Oh, right.

THE END