Have a good night's sleep crime

One handed, I lifted the punk to the sky. My hand grasped his shirt collar. Blood trickled out of his nose, ears and mouth. Little droplets fell onto my Dung Beetle Guy ensemble. Good thing I had some colour guard cheer at home.

"You gonna try that again punk?" I asked the mugger.

His eyes yelled fear at me, but his mouth couldn't speak. He only shook his head from side to side.

"You better not, or I'll have to kick your ass again. Punk!" Punk was my new favourite word. Joel had grown sick of incognito, so it was time for a change.

Just as I was about to toss the low-life scum into the dumpster, my spine shivered. I slowly turned my head to the side. Twelve ninjas were about to descend upon me. I gave an mischievous smirk, dropped the guy to the ground, and said "bring it punks."

I took a step back and prepared for battle. I crouched into my dung beetle kung fu stance. It was the fifth deadliest form of martial arts. I'd been training for some time now. My technique was near flawless.

Three ninjas pounced at my spleen. I did a cartwheel, and passed in between all three. I knocked the trio unconscious with a crescent kick, beetle chop, palm heel strike combination. I hadn't even broken a sweat. I couldn't wait for the others.

I leapt three metres straight into the air, and came down with a ferocious drop kick to someone's chest. He didn't even have time to scream in agony. All I heard was the snapping of his ribcage. I'm surprised I didn't rip a hole through his entire torso.

The other eight charged. They knew their only chance was to attack all at once. It didn't work. Each of my opponents learned a valuable lesson. You can't defeat Dung Beetle Guy.

I was a little disappointed. I was looking for a challenge, but at least I got a bit of a workout. My huge muscles were clearly accentuated by my tight costume; blood pumped through my veins which crawled around my entire body. Man did I look good.

I turned around and left that dark alley, only to find myself lying in my bed with my arms wrapped around a pillow, and drool dripping down my cheek. I'd only been dreaming.