Won't Get Fooled Again

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Nate Winkleton here with a breaking news report. Reknowned co-writers of the revered blog Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour!!! have threatened to split and go their seperate ways. The aftershocks of this devestating news are still reverberating throughout the global community. The Dow closed after an unprecedented 2000 point drop today, and the TSX took a staggering plunge down towards 1560. Wall Street has been thrown into chaos, with violence exploding on the floor of the NYSE. When asked what the government's response to the economic collapse would be, Prime Minister Martin looked nervously from side to side for five minutes, then suffered a massive stroke. And now here's Sheena Easton with the full story.

Thank you, Nate! The whole affair began two weeks ago when Dane made a post that alluded to Joel's alleged past as an underwear model and a drug runner. Joel stayed quiet before firing a return salvo three days later entitled "Bray Bray Bray", which painted Dane as deranged illiterate pervert with a nasty speech impediment. Tempers simmered for the better part of a week until it all exploded when Dane asserted that Joel wears ladies' socks. Here is some footage from earlier today when the delusional Joel took a senior's computing class hostage. Be warned that it is very graphic.

Ladies' socks? LADIES' SOCKS?! Do these look like ladies' socks to you? Hell, no! They're Macgregors, bitch! I hate him! I hate Dane Lutz! Hey, did I say you could move? Next one of you gives me guff gets two in the chest! Ba-tang! Ba-tang! Git it? Hey, you wanna see something cool? Offa the computer, Gold Bond. Ah ha! Badger badger badger badger mushroom MUSHROOM! Badger badger badger badger mushroom MUSHROOM! Hah! Look at those fuckin' badgers go!

Fortunately, the incident ended without injuries when Joel eventually became bored and wandered off. Back to you, Nate!

Ah yeah. God bless you, sugarlips. Yeah, now harder, faster, more tongue, that's it... Oh! Jesus! Uh... *zip* It hasn't taken long for Dane and Joel's former associates to speak out on this matter. Joining us live via satellite is respected pundit and famed blog auteur Steve Smith, who was the first person to provide a link for Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour. Hi, Steve!

Yeah, um... hi, Nate. Nate, is there any reason why there's the image of a man's crotch on my monitor?

... ! Jenkinson, you bastard! If you're gonna be taping me and Tanya I want a cut of the proceeds, got it? Right, Mr. Smith... Mr. Smith! Hey, you ever been to Washington? *snicker*

Thank you, that's close to the thousandth time I've heard that lame joke. I guess I can die happy knowing that I've talked to a thousand different morons in my life.

Oh. Well, Mr. Smith, your thoughts please.

Ah yes. Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour. You know, in addition to the link I generously provided in my sidebar, I've also mentioned their blog in my posts no less than four times. And sorry to stretch the fourth wall here, but I guess that's what qualifies me for being dragged in to make these degrading appearances. Anyway, given the support I've provided, if they can't keep it together, then to hell with them. I've got a group of cocker spaniel enthusiasts who are quite eager to take over their spot on my hallowed list.

But Mr. Smith! How can you be so nonchalant about this, given the recent economic collapse?

I can, Nate, because although the two events happened almost simultaneously, there is no causal relationship between them. Look, the real reason for that situation is --

Whoa, sorry, running out of time here. Thanks for your thoughts, Steve, and have yourself a good night!

Go fuck yourself, hairpiece.

Huh. Anyway, Sheena Easton took to the streets to ask passerbys about their take on the situation.

Excuse me sir, your thoughts on the imminent break-up of Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour.

Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour? Never heard of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to my meaningless life utterly devoid of any sense of joy.

Good! Have you actually read into their posts? How virulently offensive they are? Dane alone is violently racist, sexist, and homophobic! Their split is a blessing, it truly is. Now that these figureheads of the oppressive patriarchal system are gone, we can rebuild a new society on the ashes of capitalism! One devoted to peace, love, and My Little Pony conventions! God, how I hate the right wing and their preachy "moral values"...

Dang, Dane and Joel, huh? Y'know, this is all that Dane's girlfriend fault. What's her name, Fermara or somethin'? Yep, same thing happened to that band. You know, that real famous one. Huey Lewis and the News. Say, ain't you that chick that sung Conga?

Ah, no. That was Gloria Estefan. I'm Sheena Easton. I mean, I don't see how you can make that mistake. I don't see how anyone can make that mistake! It's not like we look the same, it's not like our songs sound the same. I mean, our last names end in E! That's our only striking similarity! GODDAMNIT, NATE! This is the last time I go out and talk to these braying jackasses!

Uh, Sheena Easton, ladies and gentlemen. Good timing though, as we've just received word of some breaking news. Dane is preparing to personally deliver his official statement about the break-up. Reporting live from the media scrotum is Our Man on the Scene, Trip Inglewood. Trip?

Hi, Nate! It's an absolute frenzy here! All of us are jammed in here with no wiggle room whatsoever. The build-up of pressure is unbelievable, but hopefully when Dane comes there'll be some relief. The air is crackling with --

Out of the way, half-pint.

Who the? Ian Hanomansing? Hey, you finally pulled yourself out from behind that cushy desk?

A word of advice, dickweed; it's scrum, not scrotum. Hack. Now get lost, this is CBC turf.

Yeah, things don't run that way anymore. You've been sittin' cozy in the newsroom for too long, Hanny. Trip runs the show now! You're too soft for this gig, anchorman.

Hmmph. Don't get cocky, little boy. It's funny how easily I could knock you on your ass, punk.

Bring it, you teleprompter-dependent bitch!

Trip! Knock it off, you fool! You're going the attract the attention of --

GRAAAGH! If you're gonna open a can of whoop-ass, you better save a sip for Peter Jennings! Hyahh!

ARRRURRGH

Oh my God! Peter Jennings just decapitated Trip Inglewood!

You're next, Winkleton.

*SMASH* *fzzzt*

He just roundhouse-kicked our setup! Garcia, can you hear me? Damn it, we've lost our audio feed. Oh no, Dane's stepping to the podium! Okay Garcia, if you can hear me, zoom in on Dane's face. I'll try to read his lips.

"Beautiful bastards! My candy anus screams for you! My urine saves lives!"

What the... screw it, just hijack CBC's feed.

Now that I've told you about my wonderful urine, let's get down to business. You're all here to find out what's going in the world of Da Dane. Well, I'm going to tell you. Ahem!

"I hate Joel. I really do. Hate hate hate. Damn, Joel is stupid. What a loser."

Thank you. Good night.

*floor erupts*

And there you --

Have it! This is just humble speculation on my part, but it appears that Dane and Joel's parting of ways is virtually guaranteed. What does this mean for the future? Oh, hold on for a second. I've just been handed a bulletin fresh from the wire... It appears that several faces from the music industry and Hollywood are teaming up to throw a benefit concert to help reunite the wayward bloggers. Headliners include Michael Bolton, Jennifer Lopez, Celine Dion, and Barbra Streisand, with emcee duties conducted by Sean Penn. Early estimates of casualties are placed around the hundred million mark. May God have mercy on us all. We now return you to our regular programming - Simple Life 4: Porn Stars.

To Be Continued!