It's amazing!

Today is the greatest day of my life,
and I've never felt this way before,
and I swear it's the truth...

Finally, I wrote Joel an e-mail and he responded in a timely manner. Wow!


Other news: I believe one of my roommates is using my liquid laundry soap. To find out if this is true, I've added bleach to the detergent. Soon, I'll find out if my hunch was correct.

Now, it's back to my life.

We're 2Cool

If Dane's not gonna post, then I'll just have to post an IM conversation to make up for it.

Dane says:
man, your music sucks
Joel says:
Such unbridled jealousy you display! Whatsamatter, you wear out your Dropkick Murpheys album
Dane says:
no way. I pull it out for special moments
Joel says:
Do you tape yourself singing and play it when you're making love
Dane says:
no. It's all flogging molly during sex
Joel says:
That's sad.
Dane says:
sad that I'm having sex
Joel says:
Because it would be way cool if you were getting romantic to you singing "Everything I Do I Do It For You". Girls think that's really awesome
Dane says:
super
Joel says:
You're totally doing it now. You're practicing your soulful serenading
Dane says:
Maybe you should give me a copy of your sex mix
Joel says:
No, you have to make your own. A sex mix is a man's sacred trust. He may never share it except with the lucky ladies
Dane says:
two at a time
Joel says:
Is there karaoke at Lou's (the restaurant Dane works at)? Cause if there is watch out
Dane says:
no singing at lou's
Joel says:
Is that Lou's decree? How about humming
Dane says:
hell no. it's not a gay bar. damn it Joel. With a capital J
Joel says:
How about a lesbian bar. Or a bisexual bar. or a questioning bar. Apparently it isn't GBLT anymore, it's GBLTQ. Even the questioning have been coopted
Dane says:
actually it's more of a gay bar. All those Sait (Southern Alberta Institute of Technology) students. there's so many guys
Joel says:
Do you point that out to them
Dane says:
yeah, but then they hit on me
Joel says:
I'd say you'd have to flex but that might encourage them
Dane says:
it does. They're trying to get me to cook topless. I said no
Joel says:
That's what you get for being ripped and having skin like leather from all the fights you've been in. I remember in Calgary there were always cagematches in the basement. You and Rodriguez would duel till first blood. After a few months of matches Rodriguez would punch himself in the nose just to get the hell out of there
Dane says:
that's lionheart.
Joel says:
Just first blood in Lionheart? That's lame, Van Damme probably didn't get the chance to break out the splits. No wonder no one remembers that movie besides you
Dane says:
you're lame, it was great. he fought a guy in a pool. Good stuff
Joel says:
It was and don't you forget it. You keep trying, but dammit you won't, or you'll get one hell of an indian burn
Dane says:
is that the same as a snake bite
Joel says:
I think so
Dane says:
cool, have you ever seen an indian wrestle a snake
Joel says:
Yeah, the indian totally lost. The snake stole his woman and bag of chips
Dane says:
didn't they just steal each other's moves
Joel says:
I've never seen an indian cry so much. But they were Doritos, so I can see why it affected him so much. They're hard to find
Dane says:
I like chips. lays are good
Joel says:
So you probably understand what the poor guy was going through. damn snake
Dane says:
I feel his pain
Joel says:
do you really? Just because that guy stole your eggo, he wouldn't leggo
Dane says:
i should smack you for bringing that up. You know it's a sensitive subject
Joel says:
I forgot you're a sensitive lad, you're probably crying at the gorgeous constellations
Dane says:
I'm painting a picture of flowers, while watching soft lesbian porn
Joel says:
Porno for lesbians, or porn with lesbians in it? Because there's a difference, you know
Dane says:
I'm glad you know that joel. Was that a lesson in your class about giving library services to kids
Joel says:
You have to know the ins and outs of gay porno to help subvert the youth. Library technicians are actually a terrorist sleeper cell. We erode moral values, why do you think librarians are always gassing on about intellectual freedom
Dane says:
perverts. you and your gay porn
Joel says:
No no, US and OUR gay porn, it's a group effort
Dane says:
group gay porn. atta boy
Joel says:
We shoulda stopped after the first donkey scene, but we were on a roll
Dane says:
you just went too far Joel. I knew there was a reason I hated librarians
Dane says:
It's bedtime Joel

And so, Dane went to bed. The End.

Bond Plans a Vacation

As it was or will be for the rest of you, it was only a matter of time until I uploaded my first Youtube video. One of my group projects this term was to make an instructional session. We chose to do ours on travel, and the results can be seen below. Come watch my stunning turn as the new Q!

There originally was an intro sequence where Bond gets chewed out by M and told to take a vacation. However, the audio was out-of-sync with the video in that section and it had to be acted out live in front of the class. I played the part of M and got to break out my atrocious Queen Mum accent. Also, the sections marked Pause are where the video was stopped and a member of the group elaborated further.



If you'd rather watch it on the YouTube site itself, here's a direct link.

So as of this moment, feel proud! You now officially know someone who's made an ass of himself on YouTube.

Joel Ruins Thanksgiving and Christmas (And Easter If Your Family Was Weird)

I was listening to a podcast about Food, Ethics and the Environment when I heard something so stunning, so flat-out ridiculous that naturally I had to stop the podcast and tell whoever's stalking the hell out of Dane. Seriously, according to the site statistics there's somebody doing a Google search for "aaron dane lutz" twice a day and finding this site. I believe there's something called the bookmark function that many web browsers are capable of, and this might be something that the stalker might wanna look into.

(Sorry, Dane, if I can't get a stalker than I have no choice but to be rude to yours.)

Anyways, during this podcast lecture I found out that turkeys at most turkey farms can't mate naturally anymore. The breasts on the average male turkey are just too large! This has nothing to with disgust on part of the female turkey (but who could blame them) but more to do with the act itself just not being physically possible.

How is this circumvented? Well, some poor sap has to... obtain samples of the male turkey's bastings and artifically inseminate the female.

Dwell on this for a moment.

Naturally, there's the whole animal rights side of the issue that can't just be brushed away, but I'm really quite terrible at guilt trips, so I'm not going to go there. Besides, that's what sites like these are for! Rather, I want you to focus on one fact. Think of that plump, juicy Christmas bird on your holiday table. It's the scene where so many family memories--cherished or no--are created, and one of the few heartwarming cultural touchstones that many families on our continent share. Consider that to create this scene, somebody had to masturbate a turkey with freakishly huge breasts to orgasm and inject the results into another turkey.

Now THAT'S comedy.

Radio Free CRACKED

Well, this is less of a real post and more of a way to send Dane a cool link without having to e-mail him. My inner circle know that it's easier to get fifty bucks out of me than an e-mail, so here you go.

Anyways, Cracked Magazine, the long-suffering Jan to Mad's Marsha Brady, has relaunched, but surprisingly, it's now funny to people over 12 years of age. That's not the important part though. I'm just here to tell Dane that they have a free net radio station that broadcasts stand-up comedy by just about all of the major stars, including Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Seinfeld, David Cross, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin. Dane Cook's in there, too, but the jury's still out on him.

Why am I telling Dane this? Well, seeing as he's one of the only people I know who would willingly watch that insipid Comedy at Club 54, I figure he might benefit from listening to some good stand-up comedy for once.

The URL? Hey, look! -> radio.cracked.com

Man, I feel dirty.

The Cinematic Apex

Pundits are prolly beginning to wax fantastic on the Oscar candidates, seeing as it's the end of the year and all, but I'd like to introduce you to the major Oscar winner of 2008.

I realize it's a tad foolhardy to throw all of my support behind a film that's not even finished filming yet, but as soon as I read the plot summary I just knew. I knew that the epic scope and compelling story presented therein will bring us a film that makes Gone With The Wind look like Failure to Launch. Even if some complete hack was assigned to direct and the cast was made up of the actors from 7th Heaven, the resulting film could be nothing short than a masterpiece. What is this masterful odyssey, soon to replace the Odyssey as the literary odyssey that odyssey-minded folk take on their odyssey to learn?

Outlander...

OUTLANDER!!!

Say it loud, and there's music playing! Say it soft, and it's just like praying.

Yes, Outlander. The movie where Vikings team up with Jesus to kill a blood-thirsty and nigh-invincible alien beast.

Mark the day you read this, my friend. When you regale your puplings and the tears of joy eked out by golden nostalgia trickle down your cheek, well, all of existence will have seemed worth it, won't it?