Joel Ruins Thanksgiving and Christmas (And Easter If Your Family Was Weird)

I was listening to a podcast about Food, Ethics and the Environment when I heard something so stunning, so flat-out ridiculous that naturally I had to stop the podcast and tell whoever's stalking the hell out of Dane. Seriously, according to the site statistics there's somebody doing a Google search for "aaron dane lutz" twice a day and finding this site. I believe there's something called the bookmark function that many web browsers are capable of, and this might be something that the stalker might wanna look into.

(Sorry, Dane, if I can't get a stalker than I have no choice but to be rude to yours.)

Anyways, during this podcast lecture I found out that turkeys at most turkey farms can't mate naturally anymore. The breasts on the average male turkey are just too large! This has nothing to with disgust on part of the female turkey (but who could blame them) but more to do with the act itself just not being physically possible.

How is this circumvented? Well, some poor sap has to... obtain samples of the male turkey's bastings and artifically inseminate the female.

Dwell on this for a moment.

Naturally, there's the whole animal rights side of the issue that can't just be brushed away, but I'm really quite terrible at guilt trips, so I'm not going to go there. Besides, that's what sites like these are for! Rather, I want you to focus on one fact. Think of that plump, juicy Christmas bird on your holiday table. It's the scene where so many family memories--cherished or no--are created, and one of the few heartwarming cultural touchstones that many families on our continent share. Consider that to create this scene, somebody had to masturbate a turkey with freakishly huge breasts to orgasm and inject the results into another turkey.

Now THAT'S comedy.