Mechanical Dane ruined my life

I was thinking about Joel’s last post. There were only two girls that found Joel unattractive. That’d be a great night for me.

I wonder how many girls left the bar that night wondering why that smokin’ guy in the grey jacket never noticed their smiles and glances, their playful hair tosses and waves. All those depressed girls going home and writing posts on their blog about how they’re hideous and not cool. Joel’s probably turned thousands of ladies into unhappy women who will never leave their apartments because one guy, in a grey jacket, never made a move or even returned a little grin. Just raise your lips. Is that so hard Joel? Huh? Poor ladies.

Damn you by the way. One of those members of the opposite sex could have been my future wife. Why do you hate me so much? Everything you do is part of some grand scheme to make me miserable and my life horrible.

Remember, I had that one date in high school. One date! I could have been a ladies’ man, but no. You built a remote-control robot that looked like me in every way. Then, just before I went to pick her up, you knocked me out with your blackjack and sent mechanical Dane instead. I’m not sure exactly what you did, but there were some nasty stories flying around the school and I never had a romantic outing with any other girl during my impressionable high school years.

I lost what little confidence I had when approaching women. I turn bright red and stutter uncontrollably. I’m the loser not you. And to make matters worse, I don’t have a grey coat. You always have to rub your jacket in my face. “Look at my grey coat Dane! Don’t you like my grey coat? Your coat sucks. You suck. That’s why you’re single, DANE.”

I’m going to go cry. Are there any shoulders out there for me?



New subject

I was thinking about a new TV show. It’ll be the most popular ever and it’s totally original. I call it CSI: Lost. It’s about a group of criminologists who solve murders on an island their plane crashed on. No one from civilized society knows they’re still alive because they flew so far off their planned course during an horrible storm.

The island, which at first looks totally ordinary, will have ridiculous secrets and enough people and murders to keep this show running for ever.

The first episode will show the plane crash. The four main characters will discover a hidden, fully stocked crime lab and will begin to solve the mystery of why the plane crashed and who did it. I’m guessing there will be a molecule of DNA on bolt 6,799,547,223 that will break the case wide open. Of course, the four main characters will be of mixed race and be very attractive.

The show will contain several love triangles, a mysterious guy, pirate treasure, dinosaurs and hobbits for Joel. I’m thinking about giving some of the characters superpowers, but that seems a little far fetched. What do you all think?

Also…

I went and saw The Departed last night. It was a good movie until the end. Marky Mark kills Matt Damon. Yeah, I ruined it for you. Screw you. I don’t even like you. Who told you to read my blog?