Have a little mercy on me....

I am the king of mercy fighting.
My dangly twig arms are amazing at making people cry out in pain.
On Friday night, I was at the Keg Room with my lady, and this one guy wanted to arm wrestle me.
I don’t arm wrestle. I’ve never won an arm wrestling match against a guy, and I’ve only barely won against women.
Anyway, I challenged him to a two-handed mercy fight.
We went outside so we wouldn’t cause a scene in the bar.
At the sound of go, I thought he was going to give me a little challenge.
We were about the same size.
I did the old push his arms into his body and twist routine.
It worked. He yelped mercy three times in less than five seconds.

Other interesting things that happened Friday night:
A drunk native guy asked to crash on the floor of my apartment. I said no.
The same guy said I owed him money because he beat me at pool. He actually would have owed me a drink because I beat him at pool.
Had to tell a coworker to quit getting all touchy feely with my girlfriend. He's one of those creepy guys that likes to give back rubs and hugs to drunk girls. I don't think our working relationship will be very good. It doesn't matter much though. I never liked him from day one.
This drunk guy somehow got the impression that my girlfriend was his girlfriend. He wanted to fight. My girlfriend and I just ended up leaving. I'm pretty sure the guy got the picture.
The band was decent.
I got the high score on four different games on the video game machine at the bar. I rock.

Snooze...

I don’t know what it is, but my internal clock is running about 45 mintues fast.
Every morning I wake up at 7:45. My alarm is set for 8:30 because I show up to work sometime shortly after 9. I love a job that doesn’t have super strict start and stop times.
My alarm clock hasn’t woken me up in probably a year. I lay in bed just watching the minutes tick away.
Even when I get pissed up, the alarm clock is useless. I’m usually too wasted to remember to set the damn thing.
I wish I could just get those extra few minutes of sleep. I swear they’d do me a world of good.
I wouldn’t be that cranky bastard everyone hates.

Whore? Prostitute? Both?

I’m a little dissapointed with members of the Conservative party in Canada.
The day Belinda Stronach jumped ship she was referred to as a whore and a prostitute.
I totally agree with the comments. What is pissing me off is that these MPs are retracting their statements.
If that’s what they meant, then let it be. She sold out for a cabinet position. She should have expected the onslaught of comments coming her way.
I want a leader who attacks someone and doesn’t apologize a day later. I want someone to stick with their nasty remarks. It shows character. It makes me believe the person knows what they’re standing for. They have a backbone and won’t flipflop.
When someone calls me a whore for slutting myself out, I don’t expect an “I’m sorry,” the next day. I accept what I’m called.

Run away! Run away!

Some people are scared of spiders. Some people are afraid of tin foil, while others hide from the dark.
Not me. My biggest fear is in the washroom. It’s absolutely horrible. Every time I walk into the bathroom and it’s there, I freeze and take a step back in horror.
What’s my third biggest fear after public speaking and seeing Joel naked?
It’s a toilet seat with the lid down. Who knows what’s underneath? Whatever it is, it needs a lid to cover it up from plain view.
I always expect to see something absolutely nasty, and as soon as it smells my fear leaps out of the bowl covering me with nastiness.
There’d be nothing but faeces exploding in my direction. Ewww! It’s even worse in public washrooms. What you can find in those is outstanding. I heard some very awful stories from a BP’s janitor back in the day. Not good.
I never really understood the purpose of the lid. Everyone flushes afterwards right? I don’t mind seeing a nice clean toilet. I guess its function is to keep the alligators from crawling up the pipes and into the houses.
I’m not too worried about the gators. My last encounter with one of those cold blooded creatures ended up with me having a new pair of pants.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Fuck! That’s all I can really say.
I can’t believe my luck. It looks like I’m out $212.
At the end of March, I did some freelance writing for Sage. Somewhere between the time they sent the cheque to my place and arriving at my place, my payment fell into the hands of an idiot.
This idiot, signed the back of my cheque and cashed it.
The amazing thing is no one asked any questions.
Why would they ask questions?
It was cashed at the bank. The teller should have checked some sort of ID. Maybe a driver’s licence, a debit card or the such.
If they would have seen my identification, they would have noticed my signature is totally different than the one on the cheque. So much so that I don’t even sign the same name as the one that was on the back of the cheque.
The check read Arron Lutz. I sign Dane Lutz.
And for those really smart people, you might have known or noticed that my name is spelt with two As and one R. The moron couldn’t read the front of the cheque to see that.
One more little tidbit that could have raised concern is the cheque was sent to North Battleford. It was cashed in Calgary.
Dumbasses!

He is your master. You are his puppets.

Don’t chop off my head for this, but I watched 15 minutes of American Idol last night.
Was that the same script from the last time I watched it, and when did Simon become nice?
The only good thing about that show was Simon’s devastating remarks. I always imagined more crying. The judges are destroying countless dreams. No one seems at all upset.
Randy is a joke. He’s the token black guy.
Paula is nice female, who sleeps with the contestants.
I just don’t see what appeal the show has anymore. When is going to change? How many idols can there be before someone snaps?
I think Joel only has the strength for two more Idols: one Canadian and one American.
I truly believe he’s plotting someway to take over the show and take over the world. The audience would be the base of loyal legions.
It would work out perfect because anyone willing watch that show full time and vote at the end of it has to be stupid. If they’re stupid, they’ll be easy to hypnotize. He’ll get up on stage start dancing the rainbow while Kelly Clarkson, the only true idol, plays in the background.
The music would soothe the watchers ears and Joel’s hands would slowly mesmerize them.
It wouldn’t take long for Joel to have 20 million at his feet, willing to do whatever he commanded.
All fear Lord Joel!

Czech's 3, Canada 0

It would be rough being a Team Canada player. Anything less than a gold medal and it’s a poor performance.
Today’s silver will be forgotten after a week of the media wondering what went wrong. Why couldn’t we score on Vokoun? How did we allow three goals to cross the line?
I think what Canada needs is about ten years of losing. We need to get the pressure off our players. Canada is considered the favorite at most tournaments and other teams use that.
Canadians also have to face the reality that there are some really good teams out there. It was really anyone’s tournament. The USA, Russia, Finland, Sweden, Slovakia. Everyone had a good chance.
I don’t know why we think we should be rolling over all these other teams. It’s just not going to happen anymore. The hockey talent is evenly spread throughout the world.
We still have the majority of the players in the NHL, but the number is slowly disintegrating.
I didn’t think Canada played their best throughout the tournament. I know we didn’t take all of our best players, but silver is still pretty damn good.
Maybe next year our players won’t have quite the load on their backs as they did this time around.

Afternoon Fiesta

I think one of the weirdest feelings in the world is going into a bar, getting trashed and then leaving into the bright afternoon sunlight.
I guess I’m just used to partying at night. Yesterday, I went to BPs to watch the Czech/Sweden game. Then I was off to the Keg Room for a couple more.
My friend needed a ride around town, so he said he’d buy me a couple. I took him to the required destinations, and then we proceeded to down the brews.
It didn’t help that he ran into some of his native friends, that just won on the VLTs and were buying drinks like nothing.
It was a good afternoon. I proceeded to go home and had a five hour nap.
I got up rented a couple movies and tried to sober up.
Never rent Alone in the Dark with Christian Slater and Tara Reid. It sucks. Blade Trinity is all right.

Warning! Movie may suck more than it appears. Warning!

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I watched it last night.
I was told if I like stupid/funny movies this was one for me.
It wasn’t. It was horrible.
The plot sucked, the music blew and I couldn’t relate with the characters. When I got stoned, I didn’t care what I ate for munchies. It didn’t matter if it was a burger, pizza or chips. I got hungry, so I ate.
That’s what was great about Half Baked. When they got the munchies, they went all out. They got everything, even the funions. There's nothing better than having a smorgasbord of snacks in front of you.
Maybe it was my fault the movie sucked so bad. I watched it sober. Had I been fried it might have been the most brillant film of the year. I doubt it though. I wish I had been all messed up. I might not be able to remember as much of the movie has I do. That would be nice.
This movie should sit for another two weeks on the new release rack and then be tossed into the trash.
The one tidbit about the two actors that made the movie nastier was the fact that they both say they have never smoked weed.
I saw that on some movie show when they were filming the Cheetah scene.
If you want to actors to act stoned, why not get two stoners? We all believed Spicoli. Sean Penn, I'm guessing, toked up once or twice.
Oh well, I have the Punisher to watch tonight. I hope it’s a hell of a lot better than last night’s movie.

Don't Ask.

SCENE:
Chuvalo's Pub
Hardisty, Alberta

...

Hey Mac, even though you're such a scintillatin' conversationalist, if ya don't order something else, I'm gonna throw you out.

Fine. I'll have another one, then.

Another Shirley Temple? Whoa buddy, don't go too crazy!

Hah. You're funny. Could you turn up that TV please?

If you can read this you have really good vision! You should go get a job as an eagle! You heard me, a fucking eagle!

Um, could you turn up that TV, please?!

The question on everybody's mind at this point is: Where's Joel? Following the hostage incident three days ago, he hasn't been seen since. Dane, leader of the Danehead cul... religious organization issued a fatwa on Joel in an attempt to flush him out of hiding. We'll be back with more after the break.

Tonight! An event of staggering proportions! The world premiere of Desperate Passions: The Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour Story! Starring John Stamos and Clay Aiken!

What do you think you're doing?! Get out of here and leave me alone!

Not until you admit you love this blog!

I said LEAVE!

Dammit, Joel, you may not love this blog, but it's gonna love you!

*SMACK*

Ah huh huh huh... ahuh huh huh...

What a joke. Dane got the backhand there.

You say somethin', Mac?

Uh... nevermind.

Aw crap, here comes those Danehead freaks.

Salutations, barkeep! We were out spreading the Word of the one Most High, and I must say we've worked up quite a thirst. We spotted your little den of iniquity and decided we'd stop in for some refreshments. A glass of water for myself and a tall glass of milk for my friend Crunk, if you please.

CRUNK!

Uh... comin' right up. (The hell am I runnin' here, a juice bar?)

Say, isn't comin' in here against your rules, or somethin'?

Ha ha! Goodness, no! In fact, our doctrine actively encourages it! We can't announce it in the ads for, you know, political reasons, but every night at every chapter is a drunken orgy.

Really!

Oh yes. I take it you'd be interested in hearing more?

Damn straight! Here's your drinks; on the house, a' course.

CRUNK!

Right. Well, the Leader, he looked around and saw the world for what it is; full of greed, destruction, and treachery. This is not how the world should be! So he has engineered the downfall of humanity, assuring that our pitiful race will be wiped out, with exception made to his loyal followers. The Prophecy of Light explains that on the day the Wailing Beasts bring forth our doom, The Great Dane will appear from the skies on a Golden Dung Beetle. He will lead us to paradise, where --

Yeah, yeah; that's great and all, but get back to the booze and sex!

Hrrrm! Urhem... *cough* I do believe I'll take over from here, guy. Would you be interested in attending a free seminar tonight to learn more?

*sniff* This is the happiest day of my life! You don't know how long I've been searching for a religion that lets me screw and drink till I'm blind!

Whoa, put on the brakes, Suzie-Q. Trust me, you don't want to get mixed up with these guys.

Who...

Dares?

Think about it. Are you really willing to trade in your personal autonomy and everything you own just to drink and have sex as much as you want?

That's a stupid question.

Okay, bad argument. Well, h --

You! Do not talk about Danehead!

Hey, just a m --

YOU! Do not talk about Danehead!!!

Fine, whatever. Do what you like. I'm going to the tinkle-tinkle-ha-ha room... whoa!

*CRASH*

Whoa, buddy! Watch yourself!

Damn man, I told you to go easy on the grenadine...

Uh, sir; you've lost your hat. Sir? Great Dane in Yeven, it's you!!!

What, do I have something on my face?

*FLUSH*

Fuck! That was a mighty shit! Phew, I wouldn't goooooooooh crap.

Crunk! It's him!

Him I espy in the center of my eye! You, bartender; if you help us destroy him, your entrance into our upper castes is guaranteed!

Boo yeah! Say hello to my little friend!

I have a shotgun!

*BOOM BOOM BOOM*

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

*BOOM BOOM BOOM*

You missed! That's the last fuck-up, Hyperthyroidal. I'm gonna sell you to that old man on the corner of town with the red cat.

Son of a smurfin' smurf!

Daneslam it, he made it to the exit! Let's go, Elinor!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! Okay, okay; think Joel! What can I do... I know! I'll summon a fearsome beast to protect me! Dark forces; hearken unto me and send a loathsome protector to annihilate my foes!

Hellloooooooooo!!!

Oh, shit. Well, uh, sic 'em, girl!

Okey dokey! Hey, you big meanies!

Hello there! Would you like to hear about our fine organization?

TEN SECONDS LATER

RIP HIS BALLS OFF!!!

MEANWHILE...

I just don't think --

Look, I can stand here and debate all day with you on the merits of giving me money for a sandwich, but it should be clear that you'll look even more foolish if this keeps going. So I advise you to just --

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! Waaaaa haaa haaa!

Well, at least he's updating.

Sigh. I'm so lonely...

Hey you! If you be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal! I can call you B --

*CRACK*

Asshole.

Was it something I said?!

There he is! Get him!

Whoa there. Now I don't know if you've heard, but we don't take kindly to lynchin' 'round these parts. So maybe it'd be best if --

Free booze and sex!

Annie, get your gun.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

Well, let's recap, shall we? The groups that are currently out for my blood include religious zealots following orders from my ex-friend Dane, the entire population of a small Albertan town, the Care Bears, and the Shriner's Circus. Now, if I can make it to that train that's about to leave, I'm home free. Wait, what the hell!!! How did you guys get in front of me?

You shouldn't have wasted that time on exposition.

But why didn't you just gak me instead of blocking me off?

I'd suggest you use your last moments on this earth to think of pleasant things instead of puzzling over the Creator's Will.

Tear him a new asshole!

Dude, hearing a cute character swear like a sailor was only mildly funny the first time.

Hey, fuck you.

Are you ready, Joel?

Almost. Just let me have one final cigarette!

*COLLECTIVE GASP*

That's right! You take one step towards me and you'll be exposing yourself to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Now I suggest you part like the Red Sea of Assholes that you are and let me through!

Ha! You can't smoke that cigarette forever, Joel. We can wait.

Oh, but Desperate Housewives is on in fifteen minutes!

Grrrgh! Okay, you win this round, Joel; but you can't hide forever.

Yeah? Just watch me. So long, suckers! Ah ha ha ha ha!!!

[laughter fades off into the distance]

So, does this mean the drunken orgy is called off?

Ha! And they said cigarettes can only kill. Well I proved them wrong! Ha ha ha haACK HARGH HURGGH KAFF KAFF KAFF BLARGH urgh ha *cough*

TO BE CONTINUED!