Work is fun.

Wow, let’s just say I had one of the craziest work weeks ever.
I don’t know if I ever told anyone, but for the next three weeks I get to sit in the big chair. Yes, just like the one Darth Vader has.
I’m acting editor while the boss is away on vacation.
How did I get this job? I don’t know. I don’t have the seniority. I haven’t shown any interest to do anything but sports. I’m not competent. Anyway, here I am adding another tidbit to my resume.
This week, was my orientation. I had to put the paper together, with the boss looking over my shoulder.
That’s not fun. It’s the opposite of fun. Street hockey is fun. Peeking down the tanktop of girls while working at Rolf’s is fun. Having someone nit pick about every little detail while you’re trying to get something done, isn’t.
The other reason it was so damn, friggin wacky was due to the long weekend.
The deadlines were bumped up a day. Instead of Thursday at 1 p.m., everything was to be completed by Wednesday at 1 p.m.
So now, I have to take over the roll with someone’s hot breath on my neck and 24 hours less than a normal week.
It’s like dropping a an inexperienced cook into the middle of Friday’s dinner rush.
I managed, but held up the press two hours. They had to work until 5 p.m.
I don’t sympathise too much. I was here until midnight on Tuesday, so screw them.

Hooray for References!

Here are some of the wacky searches that have brought people to Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour!!!






"north battleford fucking" - Holy shit! I've been there, and believe me when I say that you don't want to see or read about those people mating!

"Just happy wondering (love with Joel)" - Well, I don't know if I should be frightened or flattered. Especially since there's a sequel to whatever the hell it's supposed to be.

"so I couldn't masturbate" - Dude, just suck it up and go for it! Chicks dig scars, especially on your penis!

"how to have sex with a great dane" - Whoa there, there shouldn't be a 'How-To' for this. With Dane you just strap yourself in and feel the Gs!

"great dane shit" - You're sick and I hate you. (Psst, meet me in the alley in ten minutes, I can hook you up.)

"some steve smith guy" - You know you've hit the big time when...

"stroke victim activities fun" - Well, if people are going to be searching for this, I suppose I should do a public service and provide some. The first thing you can do is... is...

Hey, look at the girl dance!




I'm sorry, you were saying?

Why won't you just shut up?

There’s nothing I hate worse than running into someone you don’t want to talk to and then they won’t shut up.
It happens at work every other day. I try and avoid this guy, but somehow he manages to corner me and start yacking.
His usual method is to sneak up when I’m talking to someone else. He jumps in and keeps talking.
He also works right beside the washroom, so I have to walk by a couple times a day. I try to hold it in until I go home for lunch, but that doesn’t always work.
I try and get out of the conversation, but there isn’t much of a chance. He doesn’t need to pause for air while he’s talking.
He just keeps going and going.
I think to myself about how great it would be to just hit him in the face. I’d love to break his jaw just to shut him the hell up.
I know I’d get a huge cheer from the rest of the workers.
I’d get lifted up on everyone’s shoulders and paraded around the office.
They’d sit me back down in front of the guy.
I’d point at him and say “in your face sucka.”

I think "in your face sucka" is exactly what the NBA said to the NHL. We got our CBA done in a day; you've taken more than 50 weeks.

I also used "in your face sucka" when I graduated from college before Joel. He's the smart one. He could find the damn switch in Metal Gear Solid. I couldn't. Damn that game sucks, and why is there so many buttons on todays controllers?

I've been at my job for almost 10 months, and one of the advertisers doesn't know my name. She calls me Dan. It's not that far off, and I usually let it slide if I don't really know someone. But her and I were on the same relay for life team. She signed me up. Her and I work together on a daily basis. We're not just two people at oppisite ends of an office.
I think it goes to show that advertisers are self absorbed idiots. Yes, I'm in editorial and have a hatred for PR people and advertisers.

Clerks also piss me off. They're so smug with their button up shirts and their free slurpees. You're not better than me so quit acting like it.

It's time for a little twister

Wow, how oblivious to my surroundings am I?
On Saturday evening, I came home after covering a golf event and playing some tennis. It was nice, but starting to get cloudy. You could tell a storm was brewing.
I was sitting on my bed watching Dodgeball the movie, and my blinds were just rattling. The wind had sure picked up.
It was annoying so I went and closed all the windows.
I sat back down and finished watching one of the funniest movies last summer.
On Sunday, my friend Mel asked me if I’d seen the tornado.
Yep, 10 blocks away from my apartment, a twister touched down.
Here I thought it was just a little windy.

I’ve become a movie junkie of late. I’ve seen three movies in the theatre in the last two weeks. That’s two more than I’ve been two since moving to North Battleford.
I recommend all three of the movies. Batman, Star Wars and the Longest Yard.
The only thing bad about the three movies was all of Chris Rock’s black jokes in the Longest Yard. They’re getting pretty old.

Crazy Joel Divola

I really think Rolf’s convenient store should adopt the policy of chopping the hands off shoplifters.
It’d be great to see Joel wrestle some ten-year-old kid to the ground, pin the thief’s arm to the floor and chop off a couple fingers with a meat cleaver.
Joel would wipe the drool off his lips, grab the mop and start to clean up.
I guess the only problem with this is that Joel would go insane and start slicing the limbs off of everyone makes him mad, which is every single person on the planet.
Eventually the police would have to take him down with some tranquillizer darts and disperse him somewhere in the wilderness up by Williams Lake.
He’d be the crazy bushman. Campers would have to beware. There'd be signs that read "Don't feed the Joel!" and "Joel has herpes!" I'd post the second one just for fun. Plus, I heard Rocky was the sex disease capital of highway 11. For some reason though, the number was supposed to take a huge drop in September, when Joel leaves for Edmonton. It could just be a conincidence.
I'm sure after enough wilderness living, Joel would have some wacky pinecone computer with a wild strawberry vine internet connection, just so he could spread his blogger wisdom onto the rest of the world. Everyone should check out his post about Contra. Contra rocks! Although, I was always a big fan of Sega's Shinobi. Yes, my taste in video games is why I only see Joel about once a year on average. It's not because of the six hour drive.

If the hand chopping isn’t good enough, at least get the broom out. Joel could chase all the annoying customers out of the store with a broom.
The broom has mystical powers that seem to scare the hell out of people.


Anyone wondering about the title, I have cable now, so I get four episode's of Seinfeld everyday. I am a happy guy.

The truth. You can't handle the truth.

I really believe that lying should be a criminal offence.
I’m not talking about those stupid little fibs, like Joel saying he can bench 150 pounds, or me claiming to be the mercy fight king of the world.
The serious ones, though. The ones like yes the breaks in your car are in fine working order, or claiming someone has cancer when they really don’t (a Sienfeld episode with Jon Lovitz).
The person being lied to is going to find out eventually, so just tell the truth in the first place. It saves a lot of heartache in the end.
I know there is no good way to actually police lying. We’d need a fool-proof method of of lie detection. Not one that comes up inconclusive ever other time like the current detectors.
Once this happens though, you could have a judge sitting with the machine. People could come in with a claim, hook them up to the machine and have your verdict.
The judge could hand out a sentence depending on the severity of the lie. It could range from a simple $50 ticket to jail time.
Right now, there is no penalty for lying. People lie everyday and get away with it.
And if someone does get caught lying, they get, maybe, a tongue lashing and face some consequences. Feelings get hurt, but it’s always worse for the person being lied to than the person doing lying.
I really believe this needs to be changed. The world would be a better place for everyone, if the liars were punished for their offences.

Y'all wanna go see a dead body?

Another first in my life happened this week, I got to see dead people. Three of them.
A horrific car crash occurred at 12:20 p.m., eight kilometers (five miles) north of the Battlefords.
Being it was lunch hour, I was the only reporter in the office. The editor ran to my desk, told me to grab a camera and follow the sirens.
I arrived on the scene just in time to watch them remove to bodies from the wine-coloured Sunfire, that was crumpled in the ditch.
A third body was trapped in the passenger’s seat, so they placed a blanket on top of her, while they used the jaws of life to remove the roof and save a survivor pinned in the back seat.
The little fiberglass car tried to drive right through a half-ton GMC truck.
The worst part of the story is that the deceased are all under the age of 18.
I don’t know why, but the whole ordeal hasn’t hit me yet.
I’m starting to think I’m the shallowest guy in the world.
Sidebit: I could have been on CBC radio. They called me up to get a reaction to the accident scene and the atmosphere of the city. I declined.

The Joel Went Down to Georgia

Ohhkaaay! We're back. We've been here, giving updates for allllmost a week now! Nothing new, no developments, but we're still here! Haven't changed my underwear in three days, but here I am! Spoutin' the same crap over and over again. Ooh guess what? Still no sign of Joel! Dane's refusing to speak to the press! It's so damn exciting I think I'm gonna sh... what's that? Oh yeah, here's that Easton twit. She's at that concert thingy. Sheena, I CHOOSE YOU! *BONK*

Thank you, Nate! I'm here at the concert grounds, and already the faithful are streaming in, waiting anxiously for it to begin. With me is an attendee who asked only to be identified as Wiggly Hollandaise. So, Mr. Hollandaise, I'm sure you're familiar with all the talk about how this concert will bring about the destruction of mankind. Why did you choose to come despite this?

Because, man; THE MAN doesn't want us listening to Celine Dion! THE MAN doesn't want us listening to Mariah Carey! Y'see, it's all part of a conspiracy, man! They used 2000 Flushes to introduce chemicals into the water supply, and that makes it easier for their satellites to control our thoughts!

So you're a fan of the artists performing?

Oh, no way, man! Phil Collins can bite my left nut! But THE MAN said I shouldn't be here, so here I am! Damn THE MAN! Hey, wait a second... no way, man! You're that Glory Estevan chick! Sweet! Hey, everbody! Glory Estevan is gonna play here!

What? Hey, shut up, I'm not Glory... I mean Gloria Estefan!

So are you gonna sing that Congo song, man? C'mon, everbody shake it in the Congo! Monkeys in the Congo getting strongo, playing a bongo!

[clenches teeth] Dammit, shut up!

Hey, wait a second, I don't know you well enough for... EEEEEYOWWWW!!! MY NIPPLES!


OOOOOOOOOOH!

Okay okay! I'll shut up!

Goddamn hippies!

Ceeeripes! Get outta the way, you assholes! *hack koff hack*

Urrrrgh!!! Another one! That's it, switch back to... hold the phone. That's Ross! C'mon Gunther, hurry up! Ross! ROSS! Sheena Easton, NCC News! Would you be willing to answer a few questions?

Aw, hell. Why not? Damn dealer's late anyway... *kaff*

Now, you used to post on Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour. What is your take on the situation so far?

Situation? What situation? What the hell are you talking about?

You mean you haven't heard ANYTHING about what's going on?

Heh, no way. I haven't heard much of anything lately. I've been shootin', drinkin' and smokin' whatever I can, ever since I got booted off the blog six months ago.

You mean you didn't know that this is going to be a benefit concert for troubles brought about your ex-partners?

Aw, what? Damn it, now even Mariah Carey's been tainted by those assholes. Why can't they stop ruining my shit?

Excuse me, I'd just like to ask you to watch the language. We ARE live and not running on a tape delay here.

Fuck you!

All right, then! Now, you said that you were "booted off the blog", when in your last appearance you're shown leaving of your own free will. Would you mind explaining the discrepancy?

Don't tell me you bought that crap! Fucking bullshit! Those assholes made me say that. If I didn't, they threatened to sue. Hey, you wanna hear the whole truth? What they DON'T want you to hear? I was actually brought in to permanently replace Joel. Things are going good, and you know what? That fucker changes his mind! So we have to endure four months of goddamn cat posts while he writes a story to that effect. Meanwhile, I get tossed out into the fucking cold.

So things at Super Fun Happy Amazing Hour were not as super fun and happy as they appeared?

Are you kidding me? *kaff koff hurk* The minute I come in, Dane wouldn't say a damn thing to me. He locked himself in his office with hookers constantly. Goddamn guy's a sex maniac, I tell you. Then Joel comes back, those two won't frickin' speak, Joel's off in the corner shootin' junk; oh, and there's the hazing! I still got goddamned electrical burns on my testicles from those punks! Hey, wanna see?

No no! I take your word for it! This is really compelling, Ross. But if conditions there were so awful, why were so heartbroken when you were forced to leave?

Well, I... I just... well. It seems.... Oh my God. Oh my God! I just had a breakthrough!!! Oh man, this is so great! I don't need to drown my sorrows anymore. Oh thank you, thank you!

Whoa there, slugger! Oooph! Okay, hugging... So there you have it! An emotional breakthrough for one of the people affected most by Dane and Joel's actions. You heard it here first, on NCC News! Back to you, Nate! [pause] Okay, back the fuck off, dickhead! Christ, you clingy little bastard...

This is so great! I'm back on track! Crisp and clean with no caffeine!

Yeah, and I'm on my way to a Pulitzer. Hey, thanks for the interview! And, you know, for doing it for free.

Hey, no probl... wait. Free? You mean I could have been paid for this? Aw, hell... [downs half a bottle of rum]

BACK AT NCC NEWS

And that's the story of when my pee was burning and I had to go to the doctor! What? Talk about Ross? Yeah, that was pretty sweet.

[drums fingers on desk]

What? Whattya want from me? Oh, this is stupid. Hijack CBC's feed again, I'm gonna go take a dump.

Okay!!! Okay!!! There's news breaking! Whoa, that's so weird, news breaking; what does it break? Oh man, I need a nap... I mean, breaking news!!! Dane is poised to give a conference? On what? Who the hell cares? It's DANE! Yay! *BONK BONK BONK* Okay, can I go home now?!

Hi, this is Lawrence Gowan, filling in for just about everyone at CBC because they're a bunch of quittin' pussies! We've been camped outside Danehead's official headquarters for the past few days, and it finally looks like he's coming out to speak to the press! Can I get a whoop-whoop?

WHOOP WHOOP

Er... thank you, Peter Jennings! Ooh, here he comes!

Greetings, lifemates! The Golden Dung Beetles have advised me to meet with you, for I know that many of you have yet to taste the golden spray of Danehead! Do you deny the glory that awaits? Can you possibly ignore the paradise I have offered? Do not decry the Almighty Fiery Lord of Chaos! The Ultimo Warrior commands you! The Omega Omega ca... oh God, this is so stu --

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

JOEL?! What the hell? You've got lots of... YEEEOWWW! *PAF* OOH! *BAM* YARRR! *BONG* Hey, those are my seein' eyes!

I'm gonna KILL you, you son of a... hey, no fair pulling hair, ya sissy! AAARGHARGH

Crunk, you know what to do.


*SQUIRT SQUIRT*

REEEEOOOOWWR!!!! *hiss*

I can't believe you wanted to kill me, you asshole!

What the hell are you talking about? Are you riding the pixie again?

The FATWA, Dane! That's what I'm talking about! Now why don't you --

Enough. He doesn't have to answer any of your questions, Fallen One.

Wait a minute. Fatwa? What the hell is th --

Don't concern yourself with his ramblings, Lord Chaos. Come, let's leave.

Hey, where do you think you're going! Account for yourself, dammit! Grrrr... that's it! I challenge you to a televised debate! You and me, on the air live! We'll see who the Fallen One is then!

Last Son of Motown, don't listen to --

What, are you chicken? Huh? You damn sissy?

I urge you to ign --

I accept your challenge! Bring it, bitch! Let's get outta here, guys.

*crowd murmuring*

Joel! Joel! Steve uh... Smithman, Hobo News Network! What are your current plans?

I'm going to Motel 6!

And there you --

*FZZT*

*footsteps*

Hey, did I miss anything?

TO BE CONTINUED