Remembering Jason Segel's Wang

I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall on Tuesday, and I really enjoyed it, despite suffering from one of the gigantic drawbacks from stadium seating: one’s ears are usually directly in front of some nimrod’s desperate pawing-about inside of a popcorn or candy bag.

Some general thoughts:

I liked it better than Knocked Up, but that’s mainly because I find the women in Knocked Up terrifying. There was a bit of a dust-up after the movie came out where Katherine Heigl commented on how although the movie was really fun to make, the women in the finished product came across as demented shrews. As wary as I was of that comment when I first heard it, after watching the movie I honestly don’t disagree. I know I’ve been out of the game for a while, but is that what a modern-day relationship is really like? If so, I’m off to standing around the airport dressed in robes and handing out religious literature.

I loved the CSI riffs in this movie. I don’t mention this very often but I utterly despise CSI and all of its forensic bastard children, so I very much appreciate watching those smug jackasses getting lampooned. You know what I find most boggling about CSI’s popularity? People will tune in week after week to watch gross, disgusting, perverted crap, but if you show those same people a scene from Sweeney Todd they’ll complain about all the killing and violence. (Or complain about the fact that there’s singing, but that’s another rant entirely.) Really? You don’t like the violence? Oh sorry, maybe it would be better if Sweeney sodomized the corpses before Mrs. Lovett made the pies. Yeah. That’d make it an average episode of CSI, then.

After the movie was over and I was leaving the theatre, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror before I managed to “prepare” myself like I usually do. You know how it is. If you know you’re going to pass by a mirror, you’ll stand up straighter, open your eyes wider, smile… to put it bluntly, you sex yourself up. It will all happen automatically, too, almost subconsciously. All so when you see yourself you’ll think, “Yeah! Lookin’ good!” And of course you’ll go back to your normal demeanor as soon as you’re away from the reflective surface. So yeah, I saw myself before doing all those subconscious preparations and damn if it wasn’t frightening! I mean, I looked so dour! Do I always look like that? I looked like I just witnessed a horrific quadruple chainsaw murder after finding out my girlfriend just cheated on me with my mother. How do I stop doing that? Is there a special cream you can rub on your cheeks? How about an exercise regimen?

Oh and P.S. you can totally see the main character’s wang in some scenes. Seriously, who was framing the shots in this movie? They did such a lousy job there. I figured I would point this out because nobody’s mentioned this once anywhere else.