Classic: The Ballad of Lancelot and Guinevere

Hey, folks. I found the archive of my old blog, and I found an old post I'd like to share. This was written in December of 2004.

Hey! It's December 21st! And you know what that means! No, not 4 days till Christmas, you twits. It's Gather Round Ye Beautiful Gentlemen And Dashing Gentlewomen, Come And Listen As Joel Recounts A Tale Of Arthurian Legend That You Probably Don't Know But Just Might Like To Hear About Because It's Rather Seamy In Nature And If There's One Thing I've Learned It's That The Readers Of My Blog Are A Bunch Of Perverts So The Mild Titillation Contained Within Should Make Them Happy For Fifteen Minutes Until They Go Back To Smearing Their Genitals In Peanut Butter And Rubbing Up Against The Window Day!

Well, I guess I can't blame you for not not hearing about it, seeing as this is the first of what I hope is going to be a long-running and grand tradition. All Hail G R Y B G A D G C A L A J R A T O A L T Y P D K B J M L T H A B I R S I N A I T O T I L I T T R O M B A A B O P S T M T C W S M T H F F M U T G B T S T G I P B A R U A T W Day! Just 'cause I'm feelin' sassy. So let me just get comfortable on the Siege Perilous here and we can get under way with the first G R Y B G A... oh, fuck it.

This ribald tale contains those wacky lovebirds, Lancelot and Guinevere. Now, as you can imagine, Lancelot was one big studly hunk o' man and as such had women everywhere fawning all over him. But ol' Lancelot was as faithful as they come, and didn't dream of straying from his true love Guinevere. Naturally, this broke the hearts of all those groupies. However, one of them wasn't gonna sit idly by and let Guinny hog all the French Knight Love Juice. It was time to get proactive. Her handmaiden/governess/what the fuck ever hatched a plan where she would use her skills in magic to cast a glamour on the girl, so Lancelot would think that the girl was Guinevere. It wasn't a very powerful glamour, mind you, but it was good enough to get him in the sack.

I take a small break here to point out that King Arthur's not as wise as he's made out to be. After all, people from far away lands knew that one of his knights was boning his wife. What the hell's his excuse? Too busy chasing Gawain around the throne room and giggling?

Back to the story! During a rather boisterous party, the girl watches as Lancelot and Guinevere make plans to go sailing on the Lancelot pleasure cruise. Immediately afterwards, she sends her woman-at-arms over to tell Lancelot about the queen's decision to change rooms. Lancelot doesn't give a shit either way, because he knows he's getting lucky tonight.

He makes his way to what he believes to be the queen's room, girding his loins for love all the while. He enters with a manly swagger, grasps his long, hard... sword, and puts it to the side. He strips off his pants and crawls into bed to ravish "Guinevere". Meanwhile, the real Guinevere is a few doors down getting antsy. It''s taking longer than she expected for Lancelot to get his ass in there and start pleasuring her. What''s Arthur doing during all this? Well, he's probably off floggin' the dolphin somewhere.

But soon, the Queen can hear grunts and groans and gasps. Because she's a big pervert, she decides to go check it out. She swings open the door of the room, shines her torch in, and finds her beloved Lancelot on top of another woman. Oh, shit. Amidst the screams, bellows, and general noises of rage, the hapless fellow leaps out of bed and tries to explain to Guinevere that he thought he was making love to her. This doesn't help matters. Arthur must have really been into whatever he was doing to not hear all that screaming. It all ends when the queen forbids Lancelot from ever seeing her again. As most men are wont to do in situations like this, Lancelot gives a manly screech and grabs his sword, then leaps out the window. And thus begins the saga of Pantsless Lancelot, running throughout the woods with nothing to hide his shame. The pantsless man sprinted through the underbrush, attacking everyone he encountered for over a year. Amen.

God, so many parallels to my life.