Signed and Dated

A few weeks ago I gave up dialing random numbers on bathroom walls and decided to instead add that exciting Zoosk dating application to my Facebook profile. I immediately received a welcome message from an improbably hot woman from Barbados, so I took that as a good sign. How often is it that you get random, impersonal, barely-qualify-as-English messages from women inviting you to "have fun" on the Internet? I know I sure don't. All I get are random, impersonal, barely-qualify-as-English messages from men asking if I want stock tips or cheap prescription drugs. Damn, I'm old.

It turns out this thing really cuts to the chase. It'll show a picture alongside some stats and perhaps a little blurb if the person was imaginative enough to write one. Then it'll give three options: Wink, Flirt, or Next. That's pretty harsh! It's either pillow-talk or a boot to the ass. Maybe they should put a Friends or Handshake button in there at least.

And what's the difference between Wink or Flirt, anyway? Aren't they the same thing? Flirting, a rather free-form art which a lot of people say is the most fun part, has been reduced to the click of a button. I wish I had that button in real life. My flirting's so bad that I probably could barely flirt with a recidivist nun after she watched a Chippendales act.

So I've been on there for two weeks, and so far, only one person has flirted with me. Which I guess when you translate Zoosk-speak to real-life means she walked over and said in a booming, robotic voice "I AM FLIRTING WITH YOU". Normally I would feel bad about this but considering that I basically have no information posted up and my picture is the same as my Facebook profile, that's a pretty decent showing. Still, I guess a painting of a Dutch man after taking a swig of something nasty ain't doing it. (Pssst! It's called the Bitter Tonic and it's by Adriaen Brouwer, and it's from the early 1600s! So now you know!)

Lately, I've been receiving messages about how I can now mark down who my "Most Eligible Single Friends" are. I was marked down as one, too, and that's pretty exciting! Well, it was until I saw the list of my friends who received the title as well and found out that a lot of the people on there aren't exactly single. One of them is even happily married with three daughters! I wonder if he knows he's actually both eligible and single? Or at least somebody he knows thinks he is.

I guess it might be time to start searching the bathroom wall again.