Hammer Time

During the fall of 2002, otherwise known as The Year of Living Dangerously, a very pretty young lady came into my store and asked if we had any long-distance phone cards. I replied yes, and she flashed me a wide grin, saying that she'd definitely be back another time for more. "What's so great about our phone cards?" I wondered to myself, "Same as you'd get anywhere else really." I went back to my crossword puzzle and the thought quicky drifted away.

After buying what must have been over $200 worth of phone cards, she finally got fed up with waiting and asked me out on a date.

After our first date I went to visit her at her house and meet her son. She was getting ready in the back so it was just some quality time with me and the tyke. I've never been great with kids, but I can drum up some youthful spirit when the situation demands it. Damn if it isn't exhausting, though.

The little sprout had a toy tool kit with all of the bits and pieces made out of hollow plastic. He was quite excited to show off his screwdriver, his rachet, and his level. Next thing I knew he wound up and smacked me in the knee with the hammer. Of course, the thing was flimsy so it didn't hurt. I ignored the fact the kid just assaulted me for no good reason, and I decided to play along. "Ooh!!!" I groaned in mock pain. He laughed maniacally and did it again. "Aieeee!!!" Again he brought the hammer down. I shot out my leg and said "Gee, my reflexes are good, doncha think?" He was having too much fun.

Next thing I knew he dropped the hammer and ran out of the room. What was that all about? Kids these days! If somebody let me whack their knee with a hammer when I was a kid, I'd probably have done it for hours. I picked up the toy level and studied the bubble inside.

After about a minute had passed, I heard his maniacal laughter start up again followed by the thump-thump-thump of little feet charging down the hall. He rounded the corner and came charging at me. In his hands was a very menacing full-sized, full-weight claw hammer. He did some practice swings as he closed the distance between us. At this point my eyes were just about to explode out of their sockets and I leapt up onto the couch, threw out my hands, and yelled "Dude!!! NO!!!!" He continued his mad sprint and brought down the hammer on the couch beside me. I took the opportunity and wrested the hammer away from him. He was a bit peeved by that, but better that then having your cartoonish fantasies ruined by sickening cracks, sprays of bloods and my sure-to-be unrestrained screaming.

And people wonder why I tend to stay away from children.