Sneaux de Toilette

There was a big blizzard in the area last night, and naturally, it blew in during my hour-and-a-half drive back to Lacombe. So, based on my experiences I'm writing a guide on how YOU! Yes, YOU! can survive driving through an hour-and-a-half of frozen winter shit.

The first order of business setting the XM radio to the comedy channel. After all, there's no better time to be hit by a giggle fit than when a situation demands finesse and absolute control. Then again, last night they were playing a whole bunch of those inane prank phone calls that make the Jerky Boys look like erudite intellectuals. I guess I didn't need to worry about laughing.

Ever again.

The main thing to keep in mind when you're going on your wintry way is to maintain a comfortable speed. Don't rush! Speed kills. Or at least drains your wallet and forces you to deal with a condescending tow truck driver. I ended up in the ditch once and the person who stopped to help me refused to help me place the chain on my car because he didn't want to be held responsible for "any damage to my vehicle". So I had to figure out where to put it, only getting "I wouldn't put it there if I were you" when I was going in the wrong direction. It got to the point where I figured that if this was what I was going to have to go through just to get back to civilization, then it's not worth it. I was going to go run into the forest and hang out in a tree, far away from the agony of chains and ditches, and live on a diet of wildflowers and squirrels. So yeah, don't end up in the ditch.

Also, somebody will have left tracks in the snow ahead of you. It's up to you whether or not you want to follow in these tracks, but keep in mind the person ahead of you might have been really drunk or simply have no grasp on the concept of three-dimensional space, so don't be surprised to find yourself veering into oncoming traffic. I don't think "I was just followin' the trail!" will be good enough for your insurance company.

If it was only this, then driving in winter would be simple! Relaxing, even. However, there will be other people on the road, and more often than not they will be in a bigger hurry than you. When you see somebody's headlights in your rear-view mirror, one of two things will happen:

1. If the vehicle behind you is light-weight with low-grip tires, they will inevitably shoot past you and leave you swerving in a cloud of snow. I guess it's up to you to stop and help them when you find them in the ditch later on. Just let them put the chain on themselves. That's always fun.
   
2. If the vehicle is heavy with lots of grip and 4x4, they'll just hang out behind you with their brights on. Naturally, this vehicle will be bigger than yours and have the headlights placed at the perfect position to leave you fumbling in the glare no matter what you do.
   

Things will become their most complex when you see an oncoming vehicle, however. Unlike other times when you're sort of free to to follow the path of least resistance, here you're forced to stay on your side of the road. And since there's usually drifts of snow in the area you're forced to now drive in, you're constantly fighting being dragged into the ditch. It's like trying to thread a needle while some jerk is shoving your arm every ten seconds.

Still, as hard as dealing with other drivers during a snowstorm can be, it's heartening to know that at least you're not the only goddamned idiot with places to be.