Jump This!

Hey guys... and gals... and robots. You know, I really don't want to turn this space into Super Fun Happy Movie Reviews by Your Ol' Pal Joel. After all, it's nice to read someone's take on a movie when they have something interesting to say, but only up to a certain point. A VERY SHALLOW certain point. And hey, so far, so good. I've only made some comments on There Will Be Blood, and even then I avoided putting out much of an opinion. Because, you know, I don't put out on the first date.

But seriously, I'm going to have to break that little promise I made to myself, because I went to see Jumper last night. It was terrible. It was awful. It was a complete disgrace to its awesome premise, an absolute waste of time for everyone involved, and nobody comes out of it looking good. Sure, some people try valiantly, and one might think, "well, good for them!" but then one realizes that those in the cast looked at the script and thought it was a good idea, and suddenly all sympathy goes out the window.


The acting was awful. I keep hearing about how good of an actor Hayden Christiansen is when he's away from the Star Wars prequels, but damn if can he show it here. I've seen more convincing emotion from a bucket full of damp rags. His younger counterpart is miles better than he his. As for Rachel Bilson, I never saw the OC, so I have no basis for comparison, but has she ever done anything compelling? Somehow, I don't think she has, but I guess I have no right to make that call. And Samuel L. Jackson? He's pushed me over the line. I can't believe the man's career trajectory has taken him here. Having him in a movie used to be a selling point for me. That ain't the case anymore, to say the least.

Considering the movie is based on a well-loved novel for young adults, you'd figure there'd at least be an interesting plot, right? Nope! Anything interesting is forgotten as soon as its mentioned, while the movie spends an inordinate amount of time focussed on this half-assed "secret identity" romance subplot we've all seen plenty of times before. Wow! He can't reveal his powers to her and its causing tension! Layer the previously-mentioned great acting over this terrific plot point and you have the recipe for a casserole of failure so epic that Jamie Oliver just took a crap in his pants.


"But wait!" someone shouts in the dark. "Wait! The action scenes must be terrific! Lots of teleportation whiz-bang-a-hoo-hoo! That Nightcrawler scene at the beginning of X2 was pretty rad, so this has got to be even better, right? Well, there is some neat stuff to see here, but it's ALL BEEN SHOWN IN THE TRAILER. I know it's a filmgoing cliche to say that "all the good stuff was in the trailer!", but here, it's actually true! I'd never seen something like that before! In most movies, yes, some clips of the neat stuff will be in the trailer, but it'll run a bit longer in the movie, or they'll have some stuff that's not as cool, but is still pretty neat. Not the case here. There's some wacky stuff with a flamethrower, but whatever.

The movie was critically drubbed, but no one I know really pays attention to what critics think anymore, especially when it comes to movies like this. After all, 300 was dismissed by plenty of critics, but plenty of people I know count the movie as one of their favorites. I would advise you to listen to them this time, as I probably should have. I thought, well, whatever! They're obviously coming down from the Oscar rush and they have higher expectations than normal. But no, they're entirely right. It's BAD.

And you know, it's not that the movie is bad which makes me hate it so much. Bad movies can still be entertaining. It's just that the movie misses the middling mark it aims for and ends up becoming utterly boring as a result. It's the worst movie of the year so far, which might not seem that heavy of a statement at first. But when you consider that I started my movie-going year with Alvin and the Chipmunks, One Missed Call, and Rambo, that statement becomes a lot more damning.

So, please, don't reward this film. Never watch it. Don't rent it, don't see it on television. If someone else puts it on, leave the room. If it's your house, tell them to leave.

There, I've said my peace. I won't mention another movie for at least two weeks.