BookTalk: Purplicious

Due to a lack of sufficient will on my part, the Joel Nielsen Book Club will be disbanded until further notice. The entire group budget was blown on the necessary supply of Depends for our members, who are now each reduced to a chattering shell of the person they were before. And after two books, even! Not even Oprah could pull that off. But as a parting gift for the rest of you, I have a surprise taped under all of your chairs! Go! Go take a look now!

*Joel whistles and twiddles his thumbs*

Oh, good, you're back. What's that? Nothing there? Hey man, don't blame it on me. Blame it on the rain.You know, the one that keeps fallin', fallin'. Or blame it on the drain, depending on which version you cared more for.

Purplicious

This is a sequel to a book called Pinkalicious, in which a deranged young girl carries her dangerous obsession with the colour pink to degrees beyond the realm of human sanity. Well, her skin turns pink. That's pretty damn insane... I guess. The book was later turned into a musical, which apparently "premiered in New York City to sold-out audiences". The mind boggles.

Anyways, the pink girl is back, but she's now facing the slings and arrows of the crowd as all of her classmates have turned goth. Yes, those evil hateful black-swaddled sons-of-bitches! Where's your individuality now, huh? Where's your individuality now?

"Black is in," said Beatrice during recess.
"Pink is putrid," announced Pauline while dangling from the monkey bars.
"Yeah, pink stinks!" added Sophia.

Well, that last one entirely depends on... oh, dear lord, I am NOT going to go there.

On the bus ride home, no one would sit with me.
"Pink is for babies and little girls. We aren't going to be friends with a baaaby," taunted Tiffany.
"You don't have to be a baby or a little girl to like the color pink. Pink is for everyone," I said. "Even my brother likes pink."
"How funny! A boy who likes pink?!" Everyone on the bus laughed.

Oh HELL no! That's just cruel! I know sometimes when you're about to go under, you start clawing at everyone and everything to stay afloat, but damn! Her poor brother is never going to hear the end of it.

Anyways, the pink girl starts to go off the deep end and decides to renounce her once-favorite colour. Her parents cart her off to the ice cream store and ask, "Pinkalicious, what would you like? Pink Passion Fruit Paradise?"

*Joel stares at the page bewilderedly*

Yes, it turns out the girl's name is Pinkalicious. Damn hippie parents. Of course, the kid is over pink at this point and asks for some vanilla instead.

"How about you, Peter? Would you like your usual, Plum Pink Perfection?"
"Yes! Yes, thank you!" said Peter.
"You're such a baby, Peter. Pink ice cream is for sissies!" I said.

Way to hammer the point home, kid! I guess we can make another entry to the giant list of ways to turn family members into confused serial killers.

Well, my lunch break is almost over, so I better be brief. Ex-Pink Girl runs into Purple Girl and they become friends. Which finally justifies the title, seeing as there's nothing purple in the first 9/10ths of the story.

What did we learn today?

1. Goth people are jerks.
2. Don't give your brother sexual identity issues.
3. French books are a pain in the ass to catalogue.

...well, that last one I learned in escapades unrelated to the text, but I figured I'd relate it anyway. See ya next week!