My eyes should be gouged out and tossed into a bed of hot coals.

On Monday night, I saw one of the nastiest sights I’ve ever seen. It was horrible. All the gyrating, fake smiles and jiggling. What did I do to deserve that punishment? I’m scarred. Terribly, terribly scarred. It was worse than seeing Court’s dance in an Amsterdam nightclub. I’ll try and get Joel to perform the dance and have to downloaded onto the site, but we’ll see. It wasn’t pretty.

Where did I go? What did I see? You ask.

It was Monday, 9 p.m. I went to the bottom bar, and I had my first encounter with a Rocky Mountain House stripper. I don’t think I’ve ever been so disgusted. She didn’t put any effort into her routine, which would have made the show bearable. She looked bad and everything else that could suck, did. I was only there to meet my girlfriend and play some pool. If only I had known. My sheltered life made me believe strippers were supposed to look good.

How I rate strippers?

1) Appearance. Yes, I’m superficial. I like to see good looking strippers. I don’t mind fake breasts. I’m not going to touch them anyway, so they might as well look good. I’m not asking for a life sized Barbie. I actually prefer athletic girls. Piercings are nice, but too many isn’t good. Not for me.
No one wants to see ugly people get naked. It’s alcohol’s job to make ugly people bearable. Covering them up with clothes is also a good idea. Lots and lots of thick baggy clothing. I myself have numerous hoodies that I frequently wear.

2) Performance. I like strength moves. I like Pole tricks, acrobatics and flexibility. Good dancing is a must. The performance should be fluid and not at all awkward. Music is key. I like loud, heavy and fast. I don’t really like the ladies who play the top 40. The louder and faster the music the more the crowd gets pumped up and excited.
They might not want to get the drunk, dirty bastards all rowdied up, but they’ll make more money.

3) Enthusiasm. I like a stripper who enjoys getting up and being naked in front of a bunch of horny bastards. At least pretend. They should look like they want to be up there. I don’t care if they have to do a couple lines, smoke a joint or down a bunch of shots, but they need to look like they’re having fun. They can’t flinch when loonies are tossed at them. It just looks stupid.

4) Bonuses. It’s always great when there are more than one on stage at once. A shower is great. Prizes are a must. Posters, key chains, videos, etc... You need somthing to remember the ladies by.

Rocky’s stripper didn’t have anything. The music I guess was okay, but that’s it. She was old. I’d guess she was about 40. She could hold a handstand for ten seconds, but didn’t use the pole or confirm her flexibility. She made a lousy $6 dollars in loonies.

I always wondered what happened to strippers when they got too old. They go on a small town circuit. They travel around to crappy locations and take their clothes off. I always hoped they quite and find a waitress job.

Maybe my standards are too high. I’ve only seen Calgary strippers. It’s very competitive and only the best remain. The rest exchange occupations or join the minor leagues. I’ve also seen the stripper in Powell River. A town about the size of Rocky. She looked good, but couldn’t dance. If she could, she probably could have been making the big bucks in Vancouver or Victoria.
 
I've managed to come to grips with the nasty stripper. I blocked it from my thoughts for a week and needed a form of release. This is it. I warn everyone to stay away from the strippers in a small town.