If only Tipping was a city in China.

I have decided to increase my standards when it comes to leaving servers gratuities. I hate the way society deems it mandatory to leave a tip for every bit of service. I go to lunch; I have to leave a tip. I order a drink from the bar; I have to leave a tip. Enough is enough.

I could just be a pissed off cook bitching about the amount of money waitresses make. I could be whining and complaining because they’d treat the kitchen like shit. I might be pissed off because they didn’t see past all the drunks hitting on them that they weren’t the only ones with crappy jobs. I’d have traded jobs quicker than I can cut mushrooms, which is really fast I just don’t think the average server should get free money. I’m speaking about the bar industry waitresses. Not the ones in restaurants. They’re okay.

It really yanks my crank when a bartender needs a tip. Grab a beer, twist off the top and serve. Why should I tip for that? I do the exact same thing all the time. I don’t go to the fridge, stare at it and wish I had someone to open the door remove the cap and hand the beer to me. I don’t mind leaving a little change if the beer is brought directly to my table, but how much is it worth? And what is their hourly wage for? Wiping down a table?

Don’t get me wrong, some waitresses are very nice and worth a little extra, but for all those who have been in the industry too long and have become bitter get a new job. And for all those who make mistakes because you’re too stupid, it’s not cute. And yes we are laughing at you for being so stupid. The minute you walk away we’re bitching about the crappy job you’re doing, but of course we’ll succumb and you leave that tip. It might not be as much, but it’ll still be there.

How hard is it to be a server? I don’t know, but from what the servers tell me it’s the worst experience in the world. The atmosphere is loud, it’s hard to hear orders and the smoke makes their eyes water. Ninety-nine per cent of them are smokers, so I don’t see what they’re bitching about. I have to say. Serving is probably the highest paid uneducated job. I think it should be mandatory for servers to go to serving school. If the job is as hard as they make it out to be, there should be some kind of education. Maybe a two year apprenticeship course at SAIT. I don’t think there’s enough to know for a four year degree, but a little actual training would be nice. A course at figuring out when to refill drinks, how to take orders, how many free shots can you accept and still serve at a decent level and how to properly flirt to maximize tips. All important skills.

I really believe every table should have a little electronic menu. The customer just presses a button and the food or drink has been ordered. The grub would come in a timely manner by a food runner. We could eliminate the position of server all together. It would save people money. Enough money, you could get another one or two drinks a night. That’s all anyone really wants is another couple drinks.

I advise everyone to be weary when they leave a tip. Actually think about what they did and what you’re paying them for. Here’s what I do. Fifty cents for every trip to the table. It’s twenty steps and usually they don’t have to do anything. An extra dollar for kindness. Be aware of the servers section. Is it busy? If it is, let a couple things slide. It’s not their fault management didn’t schedule enough workers. If it’s slow, they better be on top of shit. If they leave me with an empty drink, I leave them no tip. NO TIP. Don’t throw you’re money away on crappy service. Instead give me an email and I’ll let you know where to send it.

Remember, don’t drink and read comics. You’ll fuck up the spines and they’ll be worthless.