DJ Crazy McLazy of WLZY in the Hizzouse

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station, what do you buy?

... you know, I've sat and pondered this question for the past two minutes. This is not a good sign for the rest of the quiz. Pass.

2.If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you be:

A manatee, because I'm rotund, pretty amiable, and I don't have the common sense to get out of the way of outboard motors.

3. Who's your favorite red head???

Who can choose?

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?

A pogo stick, because I have to live up to the franchise name

5. Last book you read?

Dharma Punx, about a hardcore punk guy who used to be really addicted to drugs and into crime who turned his life around with Buddhism. Neato!

6. What is important in a relationship?

Tolerance, nowadays, because we're all special individuals who demand that others fit into our lives all nice and perfect and that we're not expected to change anything about ourselves in return.

7. Describe the last time you were injured?

Therapy has treated that time, and I no longer wish to revisit it.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?

Well, it all depends. Will we turn into psychic ghosts and make cursed videotapes and get to crawl out of the well together and then out of television screens and make people's hearts explode with a concentrated dose of the suffering we endured at the bottom of the well? In that case... *picks name blindly out of list* ... Ben.

9. Rock concert or symphony?

Which concert? Which symphony? Probably the concert. Although really, concerts have become a lot more staid nowadays so I don't know if it would make a difference. I went to see the New Pornographers last October and everybody just stood and stared at the stage.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?

A grainy picture of some skyscraper windows. Came with the phone.

11. Soda?

Do the wheels on the bus go round and round??? Damn straight!

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?

A greeny dress shirt/uniform shirt with "Tuokko" embroidered above the right pocket.

13. If you could only use one form of transportation, which?

Pogo stick, or Moon Shoes if Pogo Stick is disqualified because of being mentioned earlier.

14. Most recent movie you've watched in the theater?

Thurston Hearts the Who. At the new theatre in Red Deer. 21 bucks! 21 bucks for two tickets to see a movie in its seventh week. But oh, the sound and picture were pretty. So I guess it gets a pass. But for god's sake, get more people at the concession stands.

15.Name an actor/actress who you think is hot:

Helena Bonham Carter

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?

Black Forest Cake FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!

!!!!

...

*cough*

17. What did you have for dinner last night?

The Cheapskate Burger at Montana's Steakhouse

18. Look to your left, what do you see?

Forms, manuals, bottles, DVD sets I listen to at work, Super Mario Mushroom Candy Tins

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Nope

20. Favorite toy as a child?

One of the longest lasting toys I had was a KITT from Knight Rider, that I eventually ended up lobbing off of a hill. Because it was time for KITT to lose. Actually, all of the good guys ended up getting their butts kicked in all my playtimes.

21. Do you buy your own groceries?

No, my manservant does

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

Y'know, there's really nothing to talk about. They might go, "Wow, Joel's kind of a weirdo!" but that's like the sky wondering if the people are calling it blue behind its back.

23. When's the last time you had sour gummy worms?

Sure thing

24. What's your favorite fruit?:

Banana. Although technically it isn't a fruit, or so I hear. Anyways, it has the least fuss out of any "fruit".

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?

No

26. How do you feel about long distance relationships?

I feel asleep

27. Have you ever eaten snow?

Yep

28. What color are your bedsheets?

Tan with blue designs

29. What's your favorite flower?

Robin Hood Best for Bread Whole Wheat ... that joke works a lot better said out loud.

30. Were you or are you in ballet?

No

31. Do you listen to classical music?

No

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?:

...

No

33. Do you watch Spongebob?

Yes, Spongebob is the Looney Tunes of the millennium. Haters better recognize.

34. Last food you ate?

How odd, a banana

35. Do people consider you smart?

People think I'm either brilliant or an incompetent boob depending on... nothing really. I don't even have to do anything.

36. What time is it?

12:43, and I still have lunch to eat! This quiz is too freakin' long.

37. Is your away message on?

NOOOOOOOO

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?

In 1st grade

39. What curse word do you use the most?

Jackass

40. Do you own an iPod?

Yes, due to be replaced because of failing battery.

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?

7:55 A.M.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?

Flight of the Conchords Distant Future EP. Can't find new album because CD stores in Central Alberta are f**tarded and I keep forgetting to pick up an iTunes card.

43. What movie do you know every line to?

Wayne's World.

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?

Cashmere scarves

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?

Temporary tattoos

46. How old will you be on your next birthday?

29

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?

No, I think at the last moment the person will shove me away then kick me in the balls

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

Yesterday, I thought I was constipated but it turned out no

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?

Simple to pronounce, terrible to spell

50. How much money do you have in your pocket/wallet?

Enough!

Lunchtime...

In Repose

Hi! Joel here, broadcasting live over the airwaves of Radio Free Joel. And I mean Radio Free Joel as a takeoff of the popular R.E.M. song Radio Free Europe, not Radio Free Joel in the sense of a plucky radio station devoted to saving Joel from tyranny and oppression in a big grassroots campaign run by lots of starry-eyed college students where they play kick-ass protest songs written by famous bands, and then there's this huge benefit concert where all the cool indie acts say stuff like "The message is Joel!" or hold moments of silence in my honour... damn, that all sounds really cool. Can we make this happen? Is there anyone who wants to arrest for me a controversial and deeply political crime? Let's do lunch!

So yeah, in an earth-shattering change of pace, I'm writing this post in my notebook at home instead of furiously pounding a post out during my lunch break. This affords me a more leisurely pace. Like, I could get up and have a sandwich and play an hour's worth of Rock Band at any time if I felt like it. And the best part is that unless I explicitly tell you that I've taken a break, there's no way you can tell! You still experience the uninterrupted flow of searing wit and clever wordplay you're used to on a daily basis. The only problem is that my artistic vision might get brutally edited by that sadistic jerk I like to call Lunchtime Joel. Yeah, you've all read that guy's posts, and you've seen what they're like! Where's the passion, man? He used to have ideals! Damn, what a tool.

So I spent the evening tidying up the place. You know, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the garbage, and organizing the bedroom. (I also did a bunch of push-ups, but that's neither here nor there.) When I first came to this basement in October of last year, I hated the place but vowed to tough it out until my contract at the library ran out. It's kind of amazing how much my attitude has changed. I was glancing about my room after it was all tidy and I was amazed at how homey it felt. It's almost like I've got roots here now. Not enough to base an award-winning miniseries on, but roots nonetheless. I guess it's a good thing too, seeing as I've just gained permanent status at the library. Ah, what can can compare to the loving embrace and soft carress of job security? Although I have to admit, it does get a bit clingy at times... no, Job Security! Put down the knife! I honestly wasn't talking to any other women! NOOOOOO!

Remembering Jason Segel's Wang

I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall on Tuesday, and I really enjoyed it, despite suffering from one of the gigantic drawbacks from stadium seating: one’s ears are usually directly in front of some nimrod’s desperate pawing-about inside of a popcorn or candy bag.

Some general thoughts:

I liked it better than Knocked Up, but that’s mainly because I find the women in Knocked Up terrifying. There was a bit of a dust-up after the movie came out where Katherine Heigl commented on how although the movie was really fun to make, the women in the finished product came across as demented shrews. As wary as I was of that comment when I first heard it, after watching the movie I honestly don’t disagree. I know I’ve been out of the game for a while, but is that what a modern-day relationship is really like? If so, I’m off to standing around the airport dressed in robes and handing out religious literature.

I loved the CSI riffs in this movie. I don’t mention this very often but I utterly despise CSI and all of its forensic bastard children, so I very much appreciate watching those smug jackasses getting lampooned. You know what I find most boggling about CSI’s popularity? People will tune in week after week to watch gross, disgusting, perverted crap, but if you show those same people a scene from Sweeney Todd they’ll complain about all the killing and violence. (Or complain about the fact that there’s singing, but that’s another rant entirely.) Really? You don’t like the violence? Oh sorry, maybe it would be better if Sweeney sodomized the corpses before Mrs. Lovett made the pies. Yeah. That’d make it an average episode of CSI, then.

After the movie was over and I was leaving the theatre, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror before I managed to “prepare” myself like I usually do. You know how it is. If you know you’re going to pass by a mirror, you’ll stand up straighter, open your eyes wider, smile… to put it bluntly, you sex yourself up. It will all happen automatically, too, almost subconsciously. All so when you see yourself you’ll think, “Yeah! Lookin’ good!” And of course you’ll go back to your normal demeanor as soon as you’re away from the reflective surface. So yeah, I saw myself before doing all those subconscious preparations and damn if it wasn’t frightening! I mean, I looked so dour! Do I always look like that? I looked like I just witnessed a horrific quadruple chainsaw murder after finding out my girlfriend just cheated on me with my mother. How do I stop doing that? Is there a special cream you can rub on your cheeks? How about an exercise regimen?

Oh and P.S. you can totally see the main character’s wang in some scenes. Seriously, who was framing the shots in this movie? They did such a lousy job there. I figured I would point this out because nobody’s mentioned this once anywhere else.

Affirmative

This is an actual private e-mail exchange between me and my accountant friend Dane. Make sure you tell no one of the delicious secrets contained within, for neither of us wish to have the upsetting of the delicate balance between the world superpowers caused by our foolish hands. Thank you, and please stay seated afterwards for punch and pie.

From: Joel Nielsen [mailto:atriot44@heatedmale.com]
Sent: Thursday, April 17, 2008 3:19 PM
To: Dane Lutz
Subject: Affirmative

You should watch Flight of the Conchords, I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Because it's business time. That's a reference from the show, but you haven't seen it so I guess you wouldn't get it. Still, it's pretty funny if you had seen the show. So just pretend that you did and then maybe we'll all get something out of this. Come on, work with me here.

So if we're going to go see the Flaming Lips, should we make up a Bad Days sign to wave about? (P.S. Bad Days is a song by the Flaming Lips from the Batman Forever soundtrack. It was also Dane's favorite song circa 1995)All it would take is a marker and some neon poster boards. And I bet they've never seen that at one of their concerts. They're all like, "That song? That was from Batman Forever. Nobody likes that song except Batman fans." Then you would flip out because you're actually a Superman fan. I guess it wouldn't be cool then. I'd have to engage you in mortal combat -- again -- so the medics could shoot you with horse tranquilizer. It would be a pretty memorable concert though. I think they could even mention it on a DVD interview some time.

When I was going out to my vehicle at lunch today, there was a group of teenagers from the nearby school parked in one of the spaces hanging out. At first I was kind of pissed, all like, "Who do these kids think they are? What a bunch of jerks!" Then I realized that they were hanging out in a library office's parking lot. That's not very cool. Who knows, I guess the parking spaces in front of the accountant's office were all full. That's where all the magic happens. And the 3-card monte. Damn shyster accountants, always fooling me out of a buck.

Cataloguing books about talking to babies,

Joel


Subject: RE: Affirmative
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:23:08 -0600
From: dlutz@studaccountant.com
To: atriot44@heatedmale.com

You are wrong!!! I saw the Business Time video. I am an informed individual. Other than that though, I haven’t seen anything else by them. I guess I’ll have to boycott them since they are so funny and it wasn’t I that discovered them. I’ll have to put on my stubborn cap and cape and be the only guy out of the loop.

I’d do anything to get mentioned in a DVD interview. Maybe, it’d be captured on film and placed on Youtube. We’d be famous. They’d make a reality show about us called Librarian and Accountant. Of course, we’d have to get real life actors to play us. David Spade for me and David Cross for you. If Spade turned the role down, I’d be okay with David Foley. I don’t know any other daves, so Cross has to accept the role of Joel. The lead singer from Foo Fighters isn’t a very good actor.

I’m surprised you didn’t sit down with the teenagers and told them some “back in the day stories.” Or were you too busy getting the broom out of the trunk of your car and chasing them all away?

Back in my day we didn’t hang out in parking lots. We were too busy studying our EGMs, trading fatalities and sharing secrets about FF3. Damn were we cool and we still are.

dane

Catharsis

So my car got stuck in the middle of the massive snow drift that formed in my driveway last night. A massive snow drift that formed in the MIDDLE OF F***ING APRIL!!! What in the flying f**k is going on? F**ing asshole f**ing sh**-faced wind! Do you know there are places on this earth where winds are refreshing summer breezes that cool you on a hot day? Did you know that? I wouldn't know that. The only thing I've ever known of wind is that it's a vicious soul-sucking b***h. It's an oppressor! That's right, the wind is The Man, and all it's doing is trying to keep me and my brothas down. Well that s*** don't pop, homey! I got da mind to pop a cap in its windy ass, know what I'm sayin'? I'm going Boston Tea Party all up in here! That's right, me and my crew are rolling up on the Wind's boat and dumping it's wacky-ass tea all into the ocean. You wanna tax me? All you're taxing is my patience, you stupid-ass British colonial wind! God! That's right! S*** is on! Half nelson, fool! Y'all facing my half-nelson! Never been beaten! You better be IN IT TO WIN IT, 'cause I'ma BRING IT ON, yo!

Regular posting will resume tomorrow after the writer goes home and has a good cry.

April Flurries Bring May... Curries

First off, I would like to deliver an FU (or Foo) to this godawful weather. I should not have to deal with these ridiculous snow drifts at the end of April. I would like to make a withdrawal from these snow banks and deposit them in a nice slush fund somewhere. Or margarita fund, as the case may be. And I already retired my poor, beleagured toque! Can't I cut the stupid thing a break and not constantly force it to warm my scaly scalp?

Man, that snow bank joke was pretty terrible, wasn't it? I'm not going to delete it though. Might as well deal with my personal failures head on.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that winter is like some perverted, drunken uncle. When he comes for his yearly visit, you're almost sort of happy to see him at first. It's like, hey! I remember this fun, colorful guy! Good times! But wouldn't you know it, soon he's back to walking around the house in an open housecoat with nothing on underneath, vomiting on your friends, and taking shits in the oven. And just when you think you got rid of the guy, it turns out that his flight got cancelled and he's staying for another week!

Who else votes that they change it from Old Man Winter to Perverted Drunken Uncle Winter?

On a happier note, I'd like to announce another birthday! Yes, today is the birthday of the crotchety woman I sublet my house in Rocky Mountain House to. She's pretty cool but she can be real bossy at times. Yeah, she's always like, "Pay your bills!" or "Get married and have some kids so I can be a grand... person you sublet to!". Always getting on my case like that. What a nosy broad.

Alone Again (Naturally)

Guess what! It's the middle of April! Which means that school's pretty much over for the students at the Canadian University College right door to my flat. As a result, my roommates have all left. They really didn't waste their time getting the hell out after their final tests were written, either. I think that incident with the missing bed left a sour taste in all their mouths. But come on! You'd think they'd hang out for a couple of weeks and just chill for a bit! But nooooo... off to bigger and better things they soar! Haven't you heard? Theology students are in high-demand!

You might expect that I now have run of the basement. I do, sort of. Insomuch that a new guy has moved in but I never see him. I've never seen him, to tell the truth. The first I heard of him was a note that the landlord left for the three people leaving telling them to clean up for the new tenant's benefit. The only other mark he's left has been a pair of pristine white Champion tennis shoes that have taken up residence on the doormat.

When I came home last Tuesday I asked N(h)ial* if he had met the new guy yet. N(h)ial then responded, "Oh, new guy? No, I have not! I thought it was a woman at first because those shoes on the mat are so very small." I glanced at the shoes the next morning while I was putting on my own and noticed that the new tenant's shoes were a size 8. So yeah, I guess if you're from N(h)ial's culture, size 8 feet are considered feminine. Hopefully that didn't emasculate any of you. Or masculate, as the case may be.

The last time I managed to hang out with all of the old roommates before they went off to join Captain Planet's Planeteers was last Thursday. One of the previous roommates, who left before I came, was visiting and we gathered around the kitchen table to have a chat. So there we all were, two spitfires from Sudan, a feisty First Nations fellow, a muscular Venezuelan and a rather dopey and dumpy Germanic mixed breed. I guess that's one of the "liberal wet dreams" isn't it? At least, that's a dream they accuse "liberals" of having. You know, where a big group of people of different races hang out together and make with the chitty-chat. Although it wasn't quite as perfect as the model of that dream, where at least half of us would be GBLTQ. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to have some women in there, either.

But all that matters is that in that a group of people with vastly different racial backgrounds got together and made the important decision to have some decaffeinated coffee. And each person got to have sweetener to their likening. Or in my case not have any coffee!

...there was supposed to be a metaphor here, but you know, f**k it. Have a good weekend!

*Not one hundred percent sure about the spelling.

The Scruntiest Girl I Have Ever Seen

I'm in the midst of cataloguing Lady in the Water, that M. Nighty-Night Shyamalan flick that came out a couple of years ago. From the sounds of it a lot of people didn't bother to go see that movie, so I feel obliged to point an important detail that several of you never got to witness. The monsters are called scrunts. Scrunts! I realize the movie might have sucked but I now have a new favorite word. What do you think of that, you scrunty b****es?

Then again, the MSN Encarta dictionary lists it as an intransitive verb from the Caribbean meaning "financially strapped: to be in a poor financial situation". I don't know, if you walked up to somebody and said "I've been scrunting hardcore lately!" the last thing that would come to his or her mind would be your financial situation. He or she might even try to give you a high five. Actually, the person might be more likely to just give you the thumbs-up. With a word like scrunt who knows where your hand has been?

Before I drag this post further into the toilet I'd like to announce that Rolf's Groceries has a brand new soft ice cream machine. It comes with that whole Flavor Burst system that nobody ever really cares about, but at least the option is open for you to add some pretty gross Creme de Menthe or German Chocolate syrup to your soft ice cream. (I think those flavours were imported.) On the back of the machine there was a sticker saying that the date inspected was 1967. That seemed pretty bad until I saw it said 19 G 7. I think that might be better. I'm not sure. Seems pretty scrunty, if you ask me.

SCRUNT SCRUNT SCRUNT SCRUNT SCRUNT

1 2 Scrunt 4, tell me that you scrunt me more

There, I hope that I've got that out of my system. Seeing as everybody else got it out of their system two years ago. By the way, have you heard of that show Lost? It's supposed to be REALLY good!

Cataloguing for Fun and... Just Fun, Really

Welcome to my first cataloguing tutorial! I hope you'll have as much fun reading it as I will writing it. Although I suppose I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. Who knows if I'm going to have fun writing this? I might get really annoyed and bored and think this is stupid then go off and have a sandwich halfway through because I hate it so much. In that case I hope you'll have more fun reading it than I did writing it. But feel free to have a sandwich, no matter your enjoyment of today's piece.

Right on! Today we'll be going over illustrations. Now, if you're like me before I went to library school, you probably aren't aware that there are books that don't have pretty pictures in them. So as a matter of course, a good record should mention whether or not there are illustrations. You know, just so somebody doesn't take out a copy of War and Peace and suffer heart failure when faced with reams of text without helpful, friendly pictures of ducks, puppies, and walruses. (Walrii?) If the book is illustrated, we enter this into the physical description tag:

ill.

Now, this doesn't mean that we think the book is off the hook or dope or fly or anything like that. No, this is just an abbreviation for the word "illustration". It's okay, I'm here to help you through this, so please stop breathing heavily. Unless you just went for a fun run. Then it's all right.

But wait, now we have to mention whether the illustrations are in colour. If they are, we do this:

col. ill.

But if only some are, we do this:

ill (some col.)

There are some books where most of the illustrations are in colour, and there's only a few in black and white. Then we do this:

ill (chiefly col.)

Now! The caveat with this is that we have to use this even if the book has only one black and white illustration while the rest are in colour. Which means that we have to look at every illustration in the book. (In theory.)

Things get stickier when graphic novels enter the picture. Because they are chiefly pictures with word balloons, we describe them thusly:

chiefly ill. with captions

Ah! But a particular graphic novel has only colour illustrations! What would the description be, I wonder? Can you figure it out? Oh, who am I kidding, like you're going to f***ing bother. You're already scrolling down, aren't you? That's fine, I'll just writing text up here while you're lollygagging about down there. Are you having fun? How's the view?

chiefly col. ill. with captions

Then again, with most graphic novels, there's usually a panel in black and white, usually to demonstrate an intense emotional moment. Like when the character is trying to take a dump when he or she is constipated. Happens in manga* all the time. Why do you think the kids love it so much? In that case, we...

*sigh*

chiefly ill. (chiefly col.) with captions

I don't know about you, but seeing that just about makes we want to bash my head in with my barcode reader and shower my eyes with Goo-Gone cleaner while that Dragonette song plays in the background.

*Warning: This might be an unrepentant, boldfaced lie.

If I Had a Hammerer

Last weekend my mother insisted that I help her install some lattice work on the side of her deck. Should I tell you the reason why she wanted the lattice installed? Should I? It's really kind of embarassing, so on second thought... I will. She wants it there so she can sunbathe in the nude and not have people driving by seeing her.

You can always count on me for tact, discretion, and above all else, dignity.

So there I was, holding some low-grade lattice work against a guard railing, watching my mother hammer in nails below.

Joel: I've always wondered why they call it a hammer. It doesn't really ham, does it? Never seen it do anything remotely close to hamming. I guess it does hammer, but following standard naming coventions it should be called a hammerER, shouldn't it?

Mumsy: *distant grunt*

Joel: Although I suppose if you hit your finger it would turn into ham. Then it could be aptly called a hammer. Say, do you think they call them nails because back in the day they would use fingernails to attach items together?

Mumsy: *distant grunt*

She hammered in a nail, which missed the post by a hair.

Mumsy: I missed the post, didn't I?

Joel: Yep, you did. But it's so close to the post there's no chance anybody could run into it. They'd really have to do some planning in order to run into it, you know. They'd have to have a good night's sleep, do some stretches, and really psyche themselves up for it. Then run slow-motion while the Chariots of Fire theme plays in the background. That's probably the only way it could happen.

Mumsy:... did you just hit your head or something?

At this time, I would like to point out that I am available to help with your household projects at very reasonable rates! Look me up, I'm in the book. The DSM-IV, that is. Toodles!

Birthday Party

Well hello there, friends, family, and acquaintances! I'd like to wish my grandparents a happy birthday today. You see, due to some outrageous coincidence (or divinely-orchestrated turn, depending on your view) the two of them share the same birthday. I've always wondered what that would have been like early in the relationship.

I mean, the typical way things are done is that whoever has the birthday gets doted on for the day. Did they just dote on each other? Because I could see that getting really annoying after the first thirty minutes. It's hard to cook a really good birthday meal if somebody else is in the kitchen trying to cook a different one at the same time. And there wouldn't be any surprises. It's like, "Oh. I see you're cooking my favorite omelette. Well, here's some of your favorite potatoes."

What about friends and acquaintances that forgot they have the same birthday and only said happy birthday to one of my grandparents when they went out? That could be sort of awkward. I don't think anyone could really get over that.

And the disparity of gifts would be really glaring, too, if they weren't of the same quality. "Oh wow, thanks for another tie. I hope you like that gold ring I got you." Oh well, at least there was absolutely no excuse for Grandpa forgetting Grandma's birthday. I think.

Anyways, happy birthday to Eva and Olav/Ollie Nielsen!

P.S. And notice how in the spirit of their birthday, I didn't swear once! Grandma told me that she read my notes on Facebook the last time I visited, and I was sort of mortified. Then for some reason I started to get even naughtier in my posts. Not that one thing has anything to do with the other, but there's definitely a chronological order there. Yup.

Friday's Fresh Flower Potpourri

I'm sure all of you are still on the edge of your seats concerning the baffling mystery of the missing bed. Well, after finally getting the chance to consult with my roommates last night, I found out the terrible tingling truth. One fellow, assuming the bed to have been abandoned by a former roommate, offered it to a friend of his family when one of her boys needed a new bed. After finding out the stink made on Tuesday night, he figured out it might not be a good idea to give away things that don't expressly belong to oneself, and the bed is currently on its way back.

Should be nice and tidy ending, right? Well, before finding out all the facts, the landlord decided that the disappearance of the bed was a ingenious heist concocted by two other roommates leaving at the end of the month, and she launched an entire milk-truck's worth of shit on their heads. Needless to say she hasn't been coming down much in the past couple of days due to mortification after finding out the truth. There's a lesson here, folks! Unfortunately, I'm not an episode of G.I. Joe, so I'm not going to spell it out for you.

I wish I was an episode of G.I. Joe though.

Now! I don't like to plug stuff in my posts, because as I've stated before, people tend to just nod their heads at my recommendations, go about their lives, then finally go check my recommendation out when somebody cooler and sexier makes the same recommendation. (I'm not lying here or exaggerating for comedic effect. Even my mother does the same damn thing.) But I feel like I must today!

I'd been hearing a lot about this show called Flight of the Conchords lately. It's a comedy about a couple of folk singers from New Zealand trying to make it big in the NYC scene. Normally I wouldn't pay much mind to something like this, because I find most "comedic" musical groups to be a bunch of smug dipshits who are too much in love with their "clever" wordplay. But Flight of the Conchords? Damn, they've managed to pull it off. And how! Seriously, I've almost cried from laughing so hard, and nothing has done that to me for a good long time. So, yeah, if you're as f***ing bored/tired/sick with Family Guy and all of it's demon offspring as I am, give this a shot.

Or give it a shot two months later when someone cool and sexy tells you to go watch the show. What do I care? In the meantime, here's a clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHOSEcmZvG8

Fit for a Dog

I can't express enough the joy that bursts through my heart when Rolf receives new "professional" literature in the store. Be it a convenience store trade magazine or a brochure for new product, there's a lot of snicker-worthy information to be found. For example, did you know that cigarette advertising is still allowed in trade magazines? Gosh, it takes me back to the days when magazines were chocked full of ads urging us to "take a ride on the flavour express!" Or that we'd be as awesome as a camel dressed in Armani hangin' at a nightclub. Still don't understand that one.

Anyways, a brochure for new food service equipment arrived yesterday. Let's see what we can find!

Rotisseries!!!

"No other single home meal replacement entree has caught on and stayed on quite like rotisserie-roasted chicken." Can't argue with that! "Load after load of tender, golden roasted birds basting in their own juices as turn slowly past the customers' eyes..."

Oh, and did you know that 45% of females state that chicken is their favorite meat? No word on what men think. Although I can probably figure out what men would say is the favorite meat of the other 55% of females. Not me though. I'm not that crude. I like to keep things classy. Sometimes.

Shakes!!!

Here's a happy quote from a satisfied customer.

"We also added a Taylor 5454 automatic shake machine. it has maintained the quality and consistency of our shakes over the years. Our staff loves the machine because it speeds up service and shakes are so easy to make."

Guess what, poindexter? No, they don't! They hate the goddamn stupid thing and they think you're a hemmerhoid-laced asshole for bringing it in in the first place! All dairy machines are a TREMENDOUS pain in the ass to maintain. Although to be perfectly honest, there probably isn't an ounce of dairy in milkshakes. Whatever, all those pressurized freezing machines that use milk protein are a pain in the ass to maintain.

Slush!!!

Yeah, it's a mixture of syrup, CO2, and water. Also, ask about their Slush Xtreme Cream!

Sigh...

The Baffling Mystery of the Missing Bed

A couple of the rooms of the basement I live in are vacant at the moment, barring the bare furniture inside. Whether these furnishings were provided by the landlords or just left behind by previous tenants is unknown. Typically these rooms have their doors shut, but when I came home on Sunday night*, both of their doors were wide open. I glanced in the room that's beside mine and stared at the old bed I used to sit beside on free nights while I played Grand Theft Auto III with the roommate who eventually ran off to Red Deer to nest with his girlfriend. Stupid unfaithful gaming partners.

After a busy Monday working both jobs (and suffering a huge energy crash about 9 p.m!) I resolved to spend my Tuesday racking up my achievement score on Crackdown for the XBox 360. As the prices of games rise, so too does the desire to wring every last bit of fun out of the stupid things. I was interrupted about two hours in by the landlord, who asked me to move my car so he could back a cargo trailer into the driveway. I did so, and when I went downstairs I glanced in the room besides mine again. This time, there was no bed. I put two and two together and figured they were moving some furniture, including that bed, using the cargo trailer. Little did I know that like always, my math was fundamentally flawed.

Some time later, the other landlord came down doing her obnoxious "Helloooo? Is anybody here?" bit. Not hearing anybody else chime in, I went out to see what she had to say. It turned out she was looking for one of the roommates. I was about to go back to my game when she caught a glimpse of the now-bedless neighboring room. "What?! Joel, did you know what happened to the bed?" I shrugged, and went back into my room to finish an ungodly difficult road race.

As the sun started to go down, I heard a wee little knock on my bedroom door. I opened it, and as expected, there was my landlord standing there, more agitated than usual.

"So you have no idea what happened to the bed? You didn't hear it being moved? You didn't hear anything at all?"
"No..."
One of my roommates, shirtless for some reason, came over.
"You weren't here on Saturday or Sunday, Joel?" he asked.
She replied before I could get the chance."Of course he wasn't, he's never here on weekends!"

They walked away, and I figured it was a good time to take a bathroom break.

So what the hell happened? Did some scandalous rouge... rogue break in and steal what was probably the least valuable object in the entire place? Did it actually belong to the old roommate, and having found a use for the bed, did he come back and take it after bamboozling someone to let him in? Was a roommate feeling generous, and taking pity on someone less fortunate, decide to give away something that wasn't his?

I just don't know! Where's a plucky old lady who likes to knit/bake/make gourdcraft and solve mysteries when you need her? I tell you what, I tried wearing an ascot and hanging out with a stoner and his Great Dane, but I'm no closer to solving this mystery than from where I started.

*As a side note, I originally wrote "when I came on Sunday night". Umm... with so many jokes to pick from, who could pick just one?

I'm the Pope of Lazytown

Three Names you go by:
1. Joel
2. Hey Buddy
3. Joely Woely - many people from many different backgrounds have called me this, each thinking that they're original.

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. Dutch
2. Danish
3. German. I'm from 100% earthy Germanic stock.

Three Things That Scare You:
1. Isolation
2. Women
3. Being asked this question

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Showering
2. Handheld musical device, be it an iPod or a harmonica
3. Doing naked spread eagles in front of a window facing a busy street

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Charcoal Grey Dress Shirt
2. Grey T-shirt with Passionate written on it.
3. Pants... for once.

Three of Your Favorite Songs Right Now:
1. Epiphany -- Sweeney Todd
2. A Well-Respected Man -- The Kinks
3. Outside -- Tribe

Three Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Food
2. Food
3. Food

Two Truths and a Lie (in any order):
1. I f***ing hate vampires.
2. I f***ing hate wizards.
3. I f***ing hate witches.

Three PHYSICAL Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You:
1. Dorkiness
2. Smile
3. State of mind

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Studying languages
2. Gamin'
3. Staring pathetically at my keyboard

Three Things You want to do really badly right now:
1. Go to Italy
2. Have a night out with a group of good people
3. Sleep

Three Places You Want to go:
1. Italy
2. California
3. Netherlands

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Have a well-paying job with high demand globally.
2. Get a group of people together and sing the Carmen Sandiego theme song at an open mic.
3. Have some more smooches.

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Girl/Guy:
1. I rolled my eyes when I read the question
2. I flex mightily and often. Mighty often.
3. I wear a jockstrap all the time and thrust my groin while grunting and smashing beercans against my chiseled forehead.

Three people I would like to see take this quiz:
1.
2.
3.

...sigh. Anybody, really.

Three Things you are currently avoiding/dreading doing:
1. Writing another well-written post that I'm proud of
2. Life
3. The second half of my work day.

Three Pet Peeves:
1. Dealing with assholes in a hurry on the road
2. Failing to look at the big picture.
3. Useless, unnecessary drama caused by bored people subconsciously looking to justify their pathetic existence.

In the Year 2000

One day I'm going to buy a bunch of postcards and rub them on my butt. Then I'm going to send them to people I know, and when they flip the postcards over the message on the back will read "You're touching my butt."

Just you wait.

Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait.

Piece of Mind

So yesterday, after I had finished writing my controversial piece on Vampirates -- relatively controversial, at least -- I left to go grab some lunch. Imagine my surprise when I approached my vehicle and found a single piece of Reese's Pieces (or would that just be a Reese's Piece?) resting comfortably on the door handle. Since rudimentary physics dictate the impossibility of the Reese's Piece being tossed blindly and ending up in that location, the only obvious answer to the question of how the candy ended up on my door handle would be that it was placed there by somebody walking on the trail a few metres from my car.

But who would it would have been? I think it was E.T., myself. You know, he was stopping by for a visit, maybe pick up a few more roses for his garden, and he thought, hell, let's indulge in some of my old vices for old times sake! So, he downed a couple of brews, started smoking a few cigars, and happened to be waddling by my car.

What the hell was that kid's name from the movie? The one who rolled with E.T. and developed an empathic connection with him? Elliot? Yeah, that guy woke up in whatever alleyway he's sleeping in and started boxing the air, pissing all over himself, and bawling while shouting "DREW BARRYMORE!" Of course, that's his normal behavior so nobody raised an eyebrow.

Back to E.T! Clearly, he was falling down drunk by this point so he was all "PHOOOOOOOONNNEEE HOOOOOOOOOMEEE" and did a drunken tumble into the passenger door of my car. Feeling bad about this, he used that glowing finger thing he did to fix the dent and left a Reese's Piece on the handle.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

At least it wasn't this guy:


I remember seeing this ad in my comic books as a kid and wondering who the hell this asshole was and what they had done with E.T.

Vampirates

I like to think of myself as a level-headed individual. Anytime something stressful or intense comes up, I tend to step back from the proceedings and approach the situation logically and rationally. Sage advice, I know! But there are times when I'll see something so soul-wrenching, so nerve-flaying, that even those timeless tips are impotent:


I tell you what, I almost kicked my cubicle walls over, hurled my computer into the row of desks beside me, and smashed through the window in a furious leap after I saw this. Goddamn vampires! You know, not every combination works out as great as a Reese Peanut Butter cup. I wasn't watching Pirates of the Caribbean and thinking, "Wow, it'd be great if some metrosexual douchebag came on the boat and started angstfully out-brooding Will Turner!"

Also, like every idea that turns on clever wordplay, it's been done to death already. Let's see what we have:

A play! It's even heartily endorsed by a troupe member of Cirque du Soleil! Then again, I think even I've been endorsed by one of them at this point, so that doesn't give much cachet.

A webcomic! A manga-style affair with hints of yaoi. Why am I not surprised.

Even a movie! Well, a proposed movie anyway. The last date listed in the news and rumours section is in 1998, and that's when they were approaching Emilio Estevez. Why the hell did he turn a gem like this down? Frankly, Vampirates would be a step up for him at this point.

I guess it's only a matter of time until we see Vampeon, Vampress Secretary, and Vampretzel Vendor. Then every year they'll get together to participate in the Calgary Vampede.

I have to give myself a preemptive Boo for that one...

Apples and Oranges

Note: Last names of people mentioned have been removed. This is just one of the many details you're missing when you read the post here instead of on the Facebook feed!

A peculiar source of fascination for me is the Compare People application on Facebook. You know, that thing were it shows you two people on your friends list, asks you "Who is more ____?" and you have to be all cold-hearted and judgemental and pick one. Like most applications on Facebook, I was reticent to add it at first, but after all the things the application has told me over the past few months, I'm pretty glad I did. I just can't get enough of those random updates they send to my e-mail. I'm sick of everything else Facebook punts in my direction, but damn if these Compare People updates ain't entertaining.

Like, did you know that I was voted smarter than "Amy"? I don't know who Amy is, but still, it's pretty cool that I'm smarter than her. It could pay off too. I could totally go on Jeopardy in the future and if she's one of the other contestants, I'd know right away that I wouldn't be in last place. I'd just have fun with it, then. Maybe do some of that Sean Connery on Jeopardy stuff they had on Saturday Night Live. Except I would say boobies, not titties. I'm a high class kind of guy.

Also, I'm more famous than "Amber". I have no idea who Amber is either, so I'd say I have to agree with that assessment. That's another thing that could pay off. I could be waiting in line to get into a club and she would walk up to the front and say, "I'm Amber! Let me in!" and I'd be all, "Wait! I'm more famous than her, so I should get in first! Facebook even says so!" and the bouncer would have to agree. I'd still have to wait in line and everything, but at least Amber wouldn't be cutting in front of me.

Every so often the Compare People application will send you a list of your hottest single friends. A friend of mine recently sent me his list and I was on the top of the Most Desirable to Date chart with 25 points. Hell yeah! Then I looked at my list and the top guy on there has 60 points. That's a world of difference. Here's the list that I got:

1. Eric (60 points)
2. Calan (53 points)
3. Duane (27 points)
4. Roger (16 points)
5. Peter (12 points)

The last time I looked I had more points than Duane, too. That's it, Duane's going down. On a woman, because apparently he's more desirable to date than I am.

Yours sincerely,

Joel

I'm Really, Really Sorry

So...

Do you like to spoon after you fork or before you fork?