Joel Done Gone Lost His Mind

I'm Looking Over...

An Awkward Conversation Brought On by Cloverfield

Woman: Oh, honey, would you go through all that to try and rescue me, too?
Man: Um… yeah… *runs away*

Hud was my favorite character in the movie. He said a lot of the stuff I’d say in that situation, if I was a more talkative fellow. Of course, people who have seen the movie are thinking, “Well, Hud was kind of idiot, wasn’t he?” Well, folks, you discovered my secret. People always think, “Man, Joel’s pretty smart!”, but if I was chattier, they’d find out that I was a goddamned moron.

On their way out of theatre a group of teenage girls said it was one of the worst movies they’ve ever seen and even said they’d rather go see “Calvin” and the Chipmunks instead. Calvin and the Chipmunks. That’s pretty much the only thing you need to be able to ignore those girls’ opinion, right there.

Oh, and it was so cold in Red Deer last night that the water lines for the fountain pop in the theatre froze.

Hooray!!!

Snow Day

I pulled into the parking lot of my job on Monday and was bewildered to see there were no other vehicles there. There was just a gigantic snow drift that encompassed the entire parking lot. For those of you not in Alberta, we’ve been hit with some really wacky weather, with temperatures plunging to 30 below and 50 below with windchill. Anyways, I sat and waited to see if anybody would show up. The director came by about fifteen minutes later. I got out to wait for him to shut off the alarm. He looked at me like I was retarded and shouted over the wind at me, “The office is closed! Go home!”

Did I just get a Snow Day? Seriously?

Sadly, I didn’t get involved in any “wacky” mishaps with an insane snowplowman. Neither did I manage to hook up with a girl WAY out of my league, despite -- or perhaps because of -- my terminal goofiness. Also, there were no Chevy Chases to be seen. Anywhere.

Thank Christ.

Do you really wanna hurt me...
Kind of makes me wonder why I bothered with the mad rush back to Lacombe the night before. A huge blizzard with visibility as low as 10 metres ahead sometimes, big snow drifts all over the road, insane assholes riding my ass for – heaven forbid! – going a bit lower than the speed limit. Hell, there could have been a bear violating me at the same time and it couldn’t have made things much worse.

Then again, there’s always Rambo. I was bored last night, so I went to the movie theatre in Lacombe, and it was a toss-up between stale testosterone (Rambo) and a hyperactive romantic comedy (27 Dresses). There’s how many good movies out now and that’s the shit we get? Rural theatres are awful!

Aw, hell, Chevy; at this point, you’re more than welcome to come back.


...Man, that's some nightmare fuel right there.

Stapp Infection

I was listening to the 90s station on XM radio and My Own Prison by Creed came on. That's one of those rites of passage you go through on your way into your 30s, isn't it? It's when songs that were popular when you were first in college start making their way onto the oldies stations.

One thing to say for Creed is that they're definitely a fun band to sing along to when you try to be as ridiculously over-the-top as possible. For once, I tried to man up and sing it like Scott Stapp does. I was rewarded with the most ridiculous sinus headache I've ever had in my life.

No wonder that guy was so pissed all the time! I'd be a Grumpy Gus too if my main claim to fame made my sinuses feel like they were ready to erupt like a snotty Mt. Vesuvius.

Is that what the Christ pose was all about? Was he just trying to get some drainage going? "Let's see, tilt my head back, stretch my arms... *relief*" He looks at the newspaper the next day, "Scott Stapp thinks he's Jesus" appears in the concert review.

I'd probably write "With Arms Wide Open" after that, too.

This... Is... Overplayed

At the second job last night...

Rolf: All right, look at all this stock!
Joel: Okay, I put all the cigarettes away. How many cartons did we get in?
Rolf: 300.

*ping*

Rolf: What?

*Joel is shaking like Roger Rabbit trying not to finish Judge Doom's Shave and a Haircut gag*

Joel: THIS... IS... SPARTA!!!!

*beat*

Rolf: And you wonder why nobody at your other job wants to talk to you.

Although I have to admit, I do a damn good Leonidas.

Also, I somehow managed to go through the whole day yesterday with dress shirt on inside out. How out of it do ya have to be???

Left Behind

I've been reading the archives of my old blogs lately and boy, has it ever been bittersweet. Funny how time passes, isn't it? A lot of these posts are only a few years old, but they feel like they're a million miles away.

Nobody ever told me how lonely it can get cataloguing books. There's always my coworkers, I suppose, but damn if I can find a way to relate to them beyond simple pleasantries. I can tell some of them are getting annoyed with my terminal aloofness. It's just a pattern I've seen repeated with every social circle I've been in orbit in. Sometimes I burst forth like a shining shimmering social butterfly, most of the time I'm stick in my rigid social coccoon.

Anyone remember the old South Park cartoon with the Underpants Gnomes? (Stay with me, here.) They steal underpants for some seemingly greater reason, and when pressed on the issue they offer up this now-infamous chart:

1. Underpants
2. ????
3. Profit!

This three-part business plan has been parodied to heck. Strangely enough, I find it somehow connects to my life. I just never knew what my "step 1" was. I thought as soon as I figured out my first step, the rest of my life would fall neatly into place.

Question marks are assholes.