12.28.2005

Old friends

I’ve been out of high school for eight years now, and I’ve seen Ashley Hall twice since then. On both occasions I’ve been too messed up to have a decent conversation with the guy.
The first encounter was in a pub in Sylvan Lake after testing out a homemade, four-person bong built out of a 16-litre water jug. It was hard enough trying to sit up straight.
The second bump in was at Festivus this year. Festivus is always a good time. This time it was the Jager, the cigar joints, beer and wild turkey that did me in.
It didn’t help that Joel thought I needed a sugar rush and raided Rolf’s candy section.
I’m guessing the next time I’ll see him will be at the 10-year reunion. I wonder if I’ll have the ability for civilized conversation then?

12.20.2005

Nice charity. Good charity. Damn charity

It’s been nearly a month since my last post. I’d like to let everyone know that I’m fine.
I just lost my hands in a freak pillow fight accident. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ll I’m going to say is “damn you Joel.”
Right now I’m in rehab and getting very good at typing with my stubs. The sports in North Battleford aren’t going to stop because I have no arms.
It’s sad. I can’t even afford any cool artificial limbs like the terminator.
They’re expensive and I’m just a lowly reporter without the necessary funds for the required equipment for a normal, everyday life.
Around this time of year, families are getting together to celebrate the holidays.
When families get together, there’s bound to be some pillow fights and accidents are going to happen.
There could be as many as two people, including me, that could lose body parts from those pillow tragedies this year.
It’s organizations like The Canadian Artificial Limb Producers that help people like me, but they need some help. I'd take your donations myselft I only have two stubs. I have no hands to hold money.
Please dig deep into your pockets so I might one day have a shiny robot arms were my little twig arms used to be. Please.

I’d give money to a charity like that. The reasoning behind this post was because I was bored at work and last night I got a call.
The call came from someone wanting money for the kids of war. It sounded like a very good cause. A cause I could really get behind.
It was the way the telemarketer guy’s attitude and delivery of the sales pitch that I didn’t like.
He spouted off for two minutes in a tirade about what the foundation does.
I had to hold the phone three inches away from my head so my ears would actually work today. Joel sitting on the other side of the room was wondering who was yelling at me.
Not good. He also didn’t give me a chance to politely say I wish I could help out, but can’t at this time. I’ll be nice until you do something to piss me off.
There was several occasions where I just should have hung up on the guy, but that would have been rude.
Finally he let me talk and I said no, but all he wanted to do was send me a free DVD on what they do.
I told him not to bother. It was a waste of time. He tried once again to explain the foundation.
I’m not stupid. I heard what you yelled in my ear the last three minutes.
I ended up saying no thanks and hanging up then.
I knew I wasn’t going to buy whatever the guy was selling before he went on his verbal rampage. He mispronounced my last name.

It makes me wonder why collection agencies are more pleasant than charities?